tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62637095068275665432024-03-05T00:01:27.203-06:00Beyond the Fire“The phoenix hope, can wing her way through the desert skies, and still defying fortune's spite; revive from ashes and rise.”
- Miguel de Cervantesjme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-13074180962419006772010-09-16T08:08:00.002-05:002010-09-16T08:16:20.131-05:00EmptyLast night, I got home from work and went on a 2 mile run. I just had to try and clear my mind. On my run, I thought of everything we've been through and every up and down thus far in our IF journey. I thought about God, and what His plan is for us, whatever that may be. I thought of Mr. jme- how disappointed he must be, to have just had his 32nd birthday, with no prospect of a child of his own to love anytime soon.<br /><br />I felt so much better after the run. It was a release. I saw that Mr. jme's car was home when I got there. He must have needed to clear his mind too, because when I walked in, he was on the treadmill. I asked him how he was feeling about the failed recipient match. He kind of shrugged, and told me he felt like it must have not been the right situation for us, and that this was probably best, since the added stress of IVF injections might be too much for me starting a new job. He promised me he was not upset, and that we would move forward from this, and try to enjoy our 2nd round of a break.<br /><br />I went around the house last night and scooped up all the paperwork, the antibiotics and valium for my egg retrieval that will not be. I opened the fridge and hid the injectables so they wouldn't be staring me in the face everytime I opened it up for a snack. I blew the dust off a gift box that Mr. jme had given me last year with my first BFP. Inside was a beautiful baby jacquard throw, with a baby New Orleans Saint and a black and gold football field in the background. It said "Our Little Saint" on the edge. I folded the throw quickly and placed it in the drawer with all other things baby. I just don't want to look at those things right now. Another time.<br /><br />While I do feel some relief that my first few weeks of my new career will be less stressful, I still feel not only a great emptiness inside me of what might have been, but also a disappointment in the events and a feeling that I've let down my husband.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-30628874673980306342010-09-15T14:06:00.004-05:002010-09-15T14:37:50.191-05:00It's overD, my IVF nurse called me. I thought it was weird she called in response to an e-mail I sent her about what to do about BCP since my last pill was today.<br /><br />She told me that the recipient had backed out. Apparently, the recipient came in for her embroyology and injections class, and freaked the fuck out. She lives a few hours away from here, and she couldn't handle the time committment. WTF did she think IVF was? Waving a magic wand and hoping all was good on the day of ET? My IVF nurse thinks she either didn't have the $$ since deposit time was coming up, or that she did not follow her doctor's orders and diet to get her out of the pre-diabetic category by baseline. Or maybe both.<br /><br />Frankly, I do know this is for the best. If someone cannot handle the time to do IVF and can't even follow a diet long enough to make baseline, what does that say about their committment to this? Not a lot, IMO. <br /><br />My nurse said that I could just go on inactive right now, since I am starting this new job, and become reactive as a donor when I am ready, which will probably be late next summer/early fall. I do feel a bit relieved, but also a disappointed. It seems like there is always an obstacle for me to achieving my dreams of being pregnant.<br /><br />I just have to trust in God's plan and know this recipient was not the right one for me, and that next year, God will provide me with someone who is ready at the same time as me.<br /><br />I plan on still blogging, and hopefully getting back into the swing of things this time next year!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-8774539264441656582010-09-08T15:11:00.006-05:002010-09-09T12:16:41.765-05:00My Dark Passenger called Shotgun.....again.Remember how <a href="http://jme515.blogspot.com/search/label/A%20new%20jme"> in this post</a>, I declared myself a new woman, and vowed to shrug off any nagging feelings of bitterness, inadequacy and jealousy towards others who are more fortunate and fertile than me?<br /><br />I was doing great. No, really, <em>I was.</em> I was feeling happiness for my Trouble TTC friends who got their long awaited BFP's (still do, this is not about them). I was even able to smile at the babies I passed in the grocery store.<br /><br />Then, my phone rang last week. It was my best friend, EJ. <br /><br />Side note: EJ and I have been friends for 22 years. That's a whole slutty college student who can drink, y'all. We grew up together, and year after year, played house with our Barbies and N.K.O.T.B. dolls, planning weddings, babies and all the other events life held in store for us. We would chatter away about the day when each of us got married, and we got to stand at the altar as a bridesmaid for the other. We dreamed of the day when we would get pregnant around the same time, and our kids would grow up together, and have the same stellar friendship we had. Ah, it was beautiful.<br /><br />We grew up, and sure enough, I got engaged first. EJ was there to hold my train and my bouquet, throw me a shower and throw petals as Mr. jme and I got into that limo all those years ago. Likewise, 2 years later, EJ got married to her old childhood sweetheart, and I returned the favors. Life was good.<br /><br />Then, Mr. jme and I started to TTC. I thought to myself, I'll be pregnant by Christmas, and EJ and I can go shopping for baby clothes together, etc, etc. Christmas came, and with it came a darkness over me from my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone, as most of you know. EJ couldn't be there for me, mainly because I had not told anyone about our issues at that point.<br /><br />Flash forward to May of this year. EJ and I also share birthdays 14 days apart, so we had a combined girl's weekend at a spa to celebrate the occasion. The two of us split off from the rest of the group and got a mani/pedi. EJ was talking about future plans (her husband is still an undergrad and she is the sole breadwinner with a menial clerk job), and she mentions they will begin TTC.<br /><br />I lost it. At that point, I told her everything. The good (not much of that), the bad, and the ugly. She was shocked. She said she was so sorry for me. She tried to give me every cliche comfort I have gotten, and I graciously accepted. She told me she thought it would take awhile for them, because of past female issues she had. I kind of side eyed that statement- no one can just guess something like that.<br /><br />End side note. It you made it this far, I owe you a beer.<br /><br />So the phone rang, and I picked up. It was EJ.<br /><br />EJ: "Hey JME!"<br /><br />JME: "Hey EJ, what's up?"<br /><br />EJ: "Remember that thing we talked about in May?"<br /><br />JME: (heart sinks to floor) "Yeah?"<br /><br />EJ: "I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!"<br /><br />I felt crushed. I felt shock and anger. How could this twit be knocked up after a mere 2-3 months of trying? WTMFF???????????????????<br /><br />It was back. My Dark Passenger, that is. My infertility, ready to take me hostage again. A moment that EJ and I had planned our whole lives, a moment that was supposed to be joyous for both of us, fell far short from that. It was because of me.<br /><br />My Dark Passenger tries to justify my bitterness by saying. "Well, the way she told you was cruel. She knew you talked about your m/c and IUI's and IVF's that day- how could she be so flippant?" I know my IF is probably the last thing on her mind. She doesn't know what this feels like. She can't possibly understand how bad it killed me.<br /><br />She can't possibly understand how disgusted with myself I am that I am resolved to avoid her as much as possible now.<br /><br />My mother has been trying to help, key word TRYING. She tells me, "Well, EJ is already huge at 12 weeks, and you know EJ and Mr. EJ have no money since he is still in school, and how could they be so stupid as to let this happen??" But, again, she doesn't understand either.<br /><br />So, here I am, being ruled by my Dark Passenger. I have hid EJ off my Facebook newsfeed, as her posts everyday are pregnancy related, complaining about the weight gain, nausea, etc, etc. I just can't take it. Nevermind I have my own plan to become a mother, and it WILL happen for me one day, in one shape or form.<br /><br />It still just hurts, and I once again feel that everyone is leaving me behind. Less and less of my friends understand or can even pretend to understand. <br /><br />And now, I have to see her in 2 weeks, and I don't know how to handle it. Especially considering I will be 110% nutso on Lupron by this point.<br /><br />For my IF readers: How have you dealt with situations like this? What kind of advice would you give besides avoidance?jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-84476358070725121442010-09-07T18:22:00.003-05:002010-09-07T18:26:33.873-05:00Love this....I am being a total copycat from <a href="http://leapingsulfa.blogspot.com">Sulfa's page</a>, but I loved this so much, I had to repost it on my blog for my few readers. In case you didn't see it previously, it pretty much hits the nail on the head in regards to the stupid things people say but should not say to those suffering from infertility.<br /><br />So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?<br /><br />1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!<br /><br />2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!<br /><br />3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.<br /><br />4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.<br /><br />5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.<br /><br />6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.<br /><br />7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?<br /><br />8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!<br /><br />9. But don't you *want* to walk?<br /><br />10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.<br /><br />11. You're so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.<br /><br />12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.<br /><br />13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.<br /><br />14. Look at those people hiking… doesn't that make you want to hike?<br /><br />15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.<br /><br />16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.<br /><br />17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.<br /><br />18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.<br /><br />19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.<br /><br />20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.<br /><br />21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.<br /><br />22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!<br /><br />23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!<br /><br />24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.<br /><br />25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!<br /><br />26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!<br /><br />27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.<br /><br />28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…<br /><br />So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!"<br /><br />Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.<br /><br />DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent. And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.<br /><br />I think this should be mandatory reading for ALL!!!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-20929785973169974912010-09-07T18:10:00.003-05:002010-09-07T18:21:42.752-05:00Back to school, back to school....To prove to Dad that I'm no fool.....<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDNn6nDmZJvNB5BvA_5JZtkwm4a5yh6MturW_fgBJIUHuMJ_FtMGNchtL9pvePs2e7dC3SqwfrgKdCjNr4C-0_ucbbPyLuTF7hQM3WgV1-9DchSEs1U4-lo9feJFVS1TmCjkAV-FvQe9M/s1600/billymad.bmp"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 140px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDNn6nDmZJvNB5BvA_5JZtkwm4a5yh6MturW_fgBJIUHuMJ_FtMGNchtL9pvePs2e7dC3SqwfrgKdCjNr4C-0_ucbbPyLuTF7hQM3WgV1-9DchSEs1U4-lo9feJFVS1TmCjkAV-FvQe9M/s200/billymad.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514313664198737618" /></a><br /><br />Hee, hee. Not really, but today certainly felt like a remedial course in all thing injections and IF that I know. Today, Mr. JME and I attended our Embryology and Injections class. All went well, and I already knew everything about injections, except for the mixing of the Menopur and Novarel. I was relieved to learn that I will not have to do any PIO shots when the time finally comes for my transfer next summer!! (PHEW) Instead, Crinone suppositories will be the M.O. for the 2WW, 2x daily. <br /><br />I have been on BCP since the 26th, and will begin my Lupron injections on the 17th of this month. The embryologist was very cool, a New Orleans lady with a blunt sense of humor. She told us straight up that there is a big chance that I may not produce enough eggs to split with my recipient, and will have to give all of my eggs this go around to her and do another fresh cycle myself some time in the future. Really, I am more than okay with this. My recipient gets her shot at being pregnant ASAP, and I get to have a new cycle for virtualyl free at my choosing down the road. My Embryologist told me frankly, this might be the best outcome to hope for. I will be happy with whatever path God intends for me to be on, truthfully.<br /><br />The only possible hiccup down the road now is on my recipient's side. My donor IVF nurse, D, told me that my recipiet's bloodwork came back borderline diabetic, and she is having to see a specialist right now in an effort to get her blood work to an acceptable level to proceed by the 17th. Her specialist felt this could be accomplished, but if for some reason it does not, the whole cycle is off. That leaves much in the balance, but my nurse told me to focus on today and tomorrow, and no further in the future than that. Will do!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-82879423815175704052010-08-19T10:03:00.002-05:002010-08-19T10:08:08.277-05:00Sigh of ReliefSo, I talked to my nurse. She first said, "Whoa," after I told her everything. She told me that she can make this work, well I will do the ER now for my recipient, and freeze my embies or do a new IVF cycle if I have to give mine all away to my receipient (if there are less than 8). 8 is truly the magic number here.<br /><br /><br />She did say that I will incur more costs for a FET later down the road, so I asked her to please work up an estimate on how much more it will be. Since I am going to be making a lot more money than I am now, I will hopefully have enough saved up to be able to pay the extra fee now problem.<br /><br />I feel sooooo much better. I know now I am not letting my recipient down, and I can now focus on getting the lay of the land at my new job and doing my FET or IVF # 2 (whichever it works out to be) next summer.<br /><br />I feel tons better!!!!!!!!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-82977764403521889762010-08-19T08:17:00.002-05:002010-08-19T08:24:08.337-05:00Sick to my stomachOk, so last I wrote, I had a huge dilemna. I was offered my dream job, and it starts around the time I would be stimming for IVF. I was freaking out yesterday, but decided to not contact my IVF nurse till I could speak with my husband.<br /><br />He had a very interesting idea. Since this is a federal job, the first year is a trial period, at which any given point, you can be fired for any reason. So, our fear is that if I am visibly pregnant before my year end review next September, I will be fired. But, here's his brilliant idea: since I do NOT want to disappoint my recipient or make her wait any longer to achieve her dreams, what if I could do my stims and the ER, divide the eggs in half (if I have more than 8. If less than 8, she gets them all anyways), and once mine are fertilized, freeze them and do an FET in the summer? <br /><br />Sure, that means I won't have a fresh cycle, but it seems many of my fellow Bumpies are having better luck with FET's than their fresh IVF cycles. Plus, then I could do my FET in June or July of 2011, and if it takes, still not be visibly pregnant in late September for my year end review. Once that year mark hits, I will be vested and cannot be fired because I am pregnant.<br /><br />Worst case scenario? I only produce 8 eggs or less, and then my recipient gets them all. But, this is not a 'worst case scenario,' because if this happens, then I get an entirely free new IVF cycle of my own, with no donation, since I donated everything the previous round.<br /><br />I sent an e-mail to my IVF nurse letting her know I needed to talk to her. I am sick to my stomach waiting for the call.<br /><br />Please keep me in your prayers that 1) This scenario can work and 2) if it doesn't, I will get another opportunity that will still allow me to take this job, which is the best thing financially for my family.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-11603379031618880062010-08-18T14:42:00.002-05:002010-08-18T14:59:43.942-05:00One call changed it all.So, this morning, shortly after writing my bit on caffeine, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize. <br /><br />Let's flash back a bit, shall we? My major in college was political science, with a minor in public administration. I was supposed to work for the government out of college, but life had other plans for me. I have worked in sales and customer service for 7 years, with no luck in getting a government position, despite too many interviews to mention. In April of this year, I had my most recent interview with the U.S. Department of Education for a wonderful job with great benefits, even better holidays and lifetime teacher's pension. It was the perfect position, and though I felt it was a long shot, I went into the interview and gave it my best shot.<br />Obviously, since that was April and this is now August, I thought they had chosen someone else and had found closure with it. <br /><br />So, flash forward back to this morning. I answer the phone, and it is the Director that I interviewed with in April. She apologized about the delay, citing a big ball of red tape, but said she was pleased to offer me the position and was I still interested? I almost dropped the phone. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. This would be the most I have ever made at any position I had been in, and was truly the career I went to school for. I happily agreed to take the job. I report to work on September 30th at 8 AM, and was told to prepare to fill out a mountain of paperwork, LOL.<br /><br />Shortly after a frenzy of joy, shock and disbelief, it hit me. Shit, I am supposed to start Lupron on the 17th of September. This puts me right in the middle of my IVF when I am starting a new career. <br /><br />::Insert panic attack::<br /><br />I am at a loss of God's timing, but I don't know what to do. I ask my girls on the Bump, I ask my husband ,I mull it over in my head for several hours. Here's my thinking:<br /><br />1. There is no way I can do my first ever IVF cycle and start a new job successfully at the same time.<br /><br />2. This position has the first year as a trial period, where they can fire me for any reason they'd like at any time within that year. What happens if I go through this and they discover I'm pregnant (IF I get pregnant) before the year's end? They will fire me! What if I wait a few months? <br /><br />3. I have to wait to do this long enough so that I will not be conspicuously pregnant at my year end review.<br /><br />4. This sucks ass for my recipient.<br /><br />I am feeling overwhelmed with disappointment, still shock, and major guilt. Though I haven't signed anything, I am letting down my recipient in a big way. Will she be willing to wait for me? Probably not, and I can't blame her. Also, I am afraid that by having to back out of this, it may ruin my chances of being a donor later on for someone else. It would break my heart to think that because I have this opportunity I need to take, my RE's office would not want to work with me again. This could ruin my chance to do IVF later down the road.<br /><br />My heart is broken, but financially, taking this position is the right move for my family. Especially considering that I have IVF and possibly adoption in my future.<br /><br />I am feeling a lot of emotions right now, but mr. jme and I are going to talk about it on the ride to Gulf Shores (we are eating dinner with his Washington DC relatives in town) and come to an agreement.<br /><br />Ugh.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-80374865363107546132010-08-18T09:05:00.005-05:002010-08-18T09:20:02.790-05:00Goodbye, old friendsIn preparation for my upcoming IVF cycle, I am once again quitting two vices I hold dear to my heart:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil_KM-K_tMGqxdMR2XlvEPgY7nmMnuaZJ9wlzYec0dTC8psXv7m6YO3tnzlQ7pJueQFLD9FEbWwvFPIAiaMe46v7xmusOWv8GiAFcJcCf9BIs_nReusRKk6LUBDGop0WmVx0vBSBa6JC0/s1600/coffee%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 199px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEil_KM-K_tMGqxdMR2XlvEPgY7nmMnuaZJ9wlzYec0dTC8psXv7m6YO3tnzlQ7pJueQFLD9FEbWwvFPIAiaMe46v7xmusOWv8GiAFcJcCf9BIs_nReusRKk6LUBDGop0WmVx0vBSBa6JC0/s200/coffee%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506751879091790194" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk6SL08EV8qh_l65Xv8w2N8JG-X_O7Nr7IPnjcD4Iaj2_kMf2-J-8WV3EZnmaDemEjVO1Q27yPqyhPzE8NJ1AnRNGgrNOTKxf5gor3U0i2dI-iTf1nPGtmGJeGBLIhbnknZ6xW436K2eM/s1600/wine_glass%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhk6SL08EV8qh_l65Xv8w2N8JG-X_O7Nr7IPnjcD4Iaj2_kMf2-J-8WV3EZnmaDemEjVO1Q27yPqyhPzE8NJ1AnRNGgrNOTKxf5gor3U0i2dI-iTf1nPGtmGJeGBLIhbnknZ6xW436K2eM/s200/wine_glass%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506752034865865282" /></a><br /><br />Yes, one of the luxuries I allotted myself in my time off was developing a nasty habit of drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, and going to a wine tasting with some friends of mine every Wednesday night at our local wine bar. Granted, I wasn't getting totally wired in the morning, and I wasn't getting sloshed at night (most of the time). I am also a bit concerned about the protein bar I eat in the morning containing chocolate. I might be going a bit overboard, but maybe I'm not.<br /><br />I want to be totally and completely committed to doing everything in my power to make this work, since this is the only IVF cycle I will be able to do, aside from a FET (if we have enough embryos left) and that means nixing both of these bad habits. <br /><br />You know, between 2004-2006, I went without any caffeine. Looking back on that time, I ask myself, how the hell did I do that? How did I have so much discipline in my early twenties, and none now?<br /><br />So, I am totally open to suggestions on how to overcome this. So, lovely readers, if you have tips on how to beat the caffeine and hooch beast, I am all ears.<br /><br />Until then, I am going to try to use the "eyes on the prize mentality."jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-52394750636683214812010-08-17T15:49:00.003-05:002010-08-17T15:55:17.123-05:00For realzMy nurse called back. She is calling in my BCP now, but I will not start until August 26th. I will take the whole pack, with the exception of the white pills the last week, and will move straight into a new pack, completely bypassing another AF.<br /><br />My first Lupron injection is scheduled for September 17th. SQUEE!!!!!!!<br /><br />She told me she sent a packet with a to-do list of tests and things that need to be done, so I know I will be a busy girl.<br /><br />I could be pregnant by Halloween. Holy schniekies!!!<br /><br />I have waited so long to be mentally prepared for this step, and now I am, and the moment is upon us, and I can hardly wait to get there!!!!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-36378941080907248262010-08-17T08:20:00.003-05:002010-08-17T08:30:17.889-05:00She's here....<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCC2YP12rF1xjI03PSszOdPPLuCU5O8O98QExDH1HatAPlR2nt5XxwTsrlxBXOGyMj606Zmb9Iw_XYc2WhMjVqnKkZurO6_ZT67TBkUNnjKaWxetuYZ3-4fc0MiaXcPNZTvNo9q-N1S_E/s1600/tampon+ghost%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 171px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCC2YP12rF1xjI03PSszOdPPLuCU5O8O98QExDH1HatAPlR2nt5XxwTsrlxBXOGyMj606Zmb9Iw_XYc2WhMjVqnKkZurO6_ZT67TBkUNnjKaWxetuYZ3-4fc0MiaXcPNZTvNo9q-N1S_E/s200/tampon+ghost%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506370574006738882" /></a><br /><br />AF decided to give me a gift by showing up a day early! I am seriously thrilled! Now, I get to call my nurse and get the ball rolling on BCP!!<br /><br /><br />2 months until IVF # 1!! Squee!!!!!!!!!!!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-86175456981471883902010-08-16T10:06:00.004-05:002010-08-16T12:10:52.412-05:00Wow, that was easy.I just heard back from D, the Donor IVF nurse. Wow, that was easy!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj09dvu5WD7ZHilUxUo9tpOMZN9Kt8ZXQI00cSiGgVM6GSIPorvkFLPMac9OFn8PMlqNNp-M-l8pszFbqUby17O1_bX95ZES6DVD8BXI2eMD20vLYr2FebQk8xWbdUGjJyjAIo5vrkYav0/s1600/easy-button%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj09dvu5WD7ZHilUxUo9tpOMZN9Kt8ZXQI00cSiGgVM6GSIPorvkFLPMac9OFn8PMlqNNp-M-l8pszFbqUby17O1_bX95ZES6DVD8BXI2eMD20vLYr2FebQk8xWbdUGjJyjAIo5vrkYav0/s200/easy-button%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506055051775105122" /></a><br /><br />She told me that she did send the letter for exception to my insurance in June (sigh of relief there!), and that she is sending me a packet in the mail of a timeline checklist of things to attend to. One of these items is their insurance coordinator getting a pre-certification from my insurance. Hopefully, this will come in soon.<br /><br />As for BCP, I am supposed to call D back on my first red flow day to get instructions on when to start BCP.<br /><br />I am starting to get excited here! Please pray that my insurance covers me!jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-3175257359006098022010-08-16T09:37:00.000-05:002010-08-16T09:50:26.372-05:00ConfuzzledSo, this morning, I called my RE's office and left a voicemail for the IVF Donor nurse. I am a bit concerned that I haven't heard from her since she called to tell me a recipient had chosen my profile.<br /><br />I am very worried that my insurance will not cover my IVF b/c my RE put me on BCP between IUI cycle this past spring. They told me that even with a letter, they still do not have to approve it. I am hoping that my RE's office has already gone ahead to send the letter, since the insurance needs it at least 60 days prior to the scheduled date of procedure.<br /><br />I am also feeling a bit in the dark about what I should be doing right now, if anything. When am I supposed to start BCP? AF should be here by 8/18, and I feel like as the date approaches, I need to be up to speed on these things. I am worried that I need to have my blood tests done ASAP, but no one has told me anything.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip7LmKG0CiYIXg1ecdNQgcHSncIW_1fZsjlOOzNuHxvtrRrh3jG5pcq7mOuzsKzlLCMYxPGCzlTV-xmwVzkNNc0nnab4IYDEZyiYlDm5iQE18yW2bNNRDSZGkeqJQOcirdaRElrEcJug4/s1600/confusion-new%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 189px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEip7LmKG0CiYIXg1ecdNQgcHSncIW_1fZsjlOOzNuHxvtrRrh3jG5pcq7mOuzsKzlLCMYxPGCzlTV-xmwVzkNNc0nnab4IYDEZyiYlDm5iQE18yW2bNNRDSZGkeqJQOcirdaRElrEcJug4/s200/confusion-new%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5506020079600701378" /></a><br /><br />The closer we get to the impending date, the more questions I have, and I feel like my IVF nurse has not really kept me in the loop.<br /><br />We'll see what she says when (more like if) she calls me back today.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-26706690391790618562010-08-14T16:42:00.000-05:002010-08-14T21:02:49.224-05:00It's been awhile....Hello out there.<br /><br />So, I have been MIA for the entire summer, and while I am sorry to leave everyone for that time, the break was self-imposed and much needed. The pain and sorrow I felt after my last BFN was compunded by grief from my c/p that I had not fully dealt with, as well as a job I was miserable at.<br /><br />First off, I ditched the crappy job, and got a job with zero travel and much less pressure. What a relief it has been! I feel like I can breathe again. I am an office manager for a company in the horticulture industry, and I like it.<br /><br />Second, Mr. jme and I took a mandatory break from all things T-TTC and baby. I enrolled in a Boot Camp Class with some friends, and really started focusing on getting in shape. I am not anywhere near finished, but I feel like I can tell a difference in how I look and feel! I have found peace in taking 2-3 mile walks around my neighborhood.<br /><br />Third, I have partied like it's 1999. I have been going to wine tastings, I have had pool parties at my house, <br /><br />I have gone to the beach,<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPd5DZyaTLQrRV4jW2isFet91ia0kzbV1MSndxNsFWcSvmSutzvOJtih6b4gicZ2iS30OWUS7TU12prUbZMDyFRCJk-p7J-41bbrAAKZhS7ammCEY3XvUqNi5eGwqR7NN8TCh3w7mFtyQ/s1600/Picture+001.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPd5DZyaTLQrRV4jW2isFet91ia0kzbV1MSndxNsFWcSvmSutzvOJtih6b4gicZ2iS30OWUS7TU12prUbZMDyFRCJk-p7J-41bbrAAKZhS7ammCEY3XvUqNi5eGwqR7NN8TCh3w7mFtyQ/s200/Picture+001.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505396662489634978" /></a><br /><br /><br />I've drank so much I ended up singing karaoke with my dad!!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl_3fiuMnyNFcTKtt1liyYTTTJrxnGrV5FxvVN-O1lXHzEMb80f4tBPqOH-nzoH9alX0ThN8KqhY3bRkclzm5kGwPK0GwMguwlKyb8S5nj7OCsDs5YvXL20x3-4kET14MrbLoXvTV1xbY/s1600/jmeanddad.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 150px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgl_3fiuMnyNFcTKtt1liyYTTTJrxnGrV5FxvVN-O1lXHzEMb80f4tBPqOH-nzoH9alX0ThN8KqhY3bRkclzm5kGwPK0GwMguwlKyb8S5nj7OCsDs5YvXL20x3-4kET14MrbLoXvTV1xbY/s200/jmeanddad.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505392892567376626" /></a><br /> <br />Lots of good times were had, and for the first time since my c/p last September, I can honestly say I feel I have turned a corner emotionally. I feel healed, renewed, like my old self pre any TTC. Hence, the new title, which references the Phoenix, a mighty mythical bird that falls to a mighty fire, only to rise from the ashes, renewed and reborn.<br /><br />After this much needed break, Mr. jme and I are ready to get back on the path to creating our family. But things have changed. Over the summer, we were matched with a recipient for a donor IVF cycle. I am thrilled about it, but also terrified. While I have dealt with the feelings of "I can't believe it has come to this," I have appropriately grieved over the turn of events, and feel ready for the results of this IVF, good or bad. If it is a BFN, I am ready to close the door on my own birthchildren. <br /><br />There are some question marks out there though that make the IVF not necessarily a go. What, you ask? My insurance. Yes, my insurance does cover 1 IVF cycle- but the stipulation is that you must have been off BCP for over a year. For those who have been following for awhile, you might remember my doctor put me on BCP after my first IUI cycle due to a cyst. Well, according to my insurance, this might be grounds for them to deny me coverage. My RE has told me he will write a letter to my insurance explaining why it was medically necessary for me to be put on BCP, but there is no guarantee that they will approve me, even with a letter. I feel a bit in limbo, because I have not heard from my doctor since I was told that a recipient had chosen me as their donor. The old jme would be on pins and needles, and there would be gnashing of teeth day and night over this. But not now.<br /><br />Mr. jme and I have long known that at least one, if not two or three, of our future children would come to be ours through adoption. Adoption has been in my heart for a long time, and lately, I have felt even more drawn to the idea than ever. Specifically, my heart feels drawn to a transracial adoption. I have been lurking on the Adoption Board on the Bump, reading Adoption for Dummies, and speaking with a friend of mine, who is an adoption social worker. She has answered many of the questions and eliminated many of the fears I have had about adoption. Even if the IVF is a go, we will begin our home study at the beginning of the new year.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpe0FbzBqMTu8OCcFpJ63NHtBW9Qs6vECEJbDHFnXYoJnLGhsgBVrn_-9b1NnN92SuiwxP4C4cQc_NhLcF0jNjVyvAo_ew77vO5c9CsIP4xEds5aYHwOK-wkLbWguj0bo4Clh-TtCqo0c/s1600/9780764554889%5B1%5D.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 160px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpe0FbzBqMTu8OCcFpJ63NHtBW9Qs6vECEJbDHFnXYoJnLGhsgBVrn_-9b1NnN92SuiwxP4C4cQc_NhLcF0jNjVyvAo_ew77vO5c9CsIP4xEds5aYHwOK-wkLbWguj0bo4Clh-TtCqo0c/s200/9780764554889%5B1%5D.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5505391734434090626" /></a><br /><br />So, I feel a peace about however the dice falls. Even if I get to do IVF and it is a BFN, I am okay with that, because we will be expanding our family in the future, one way or another, hopefully both though.<br /><br />So, I guess I am back, so to speak. But a jme my followers have known in the past is no more....I am back, with hope renewed, and I am looking forward to what the future holds.<br /><br />Thank you all for your love and support.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-61378037521312778292010-04-18T17:36:00.000-05:002010-04-18T17:54:03.706-05:00Back to Basic Bitter.So, for my Bump chicas....yep, it was a BFFN.<br /><br />I was a complete wreck Friday. I POAS around 2:30 AM, and could not go to sleep after knowing the truth. I cried like a newborn at the RE's office for my Beta. I cried again at work when my RE personally called me to tell me it was officially a BFN. I cried as I packed up my clothes and toiletries to hit Destin, Florida for the weekend. I wish I had been in the mood to take some pictures, because I would have posted them here.<br /><br />When my RE called though, he told me that he felt that IVF was my best shot at getting pregnant. I very quickly pointed out to him that my insurance did not cover IVF, leaving me out in the cold for further treatments. He said, "You are covered." I said, "No, I'm not." He said, "I believe you are." And this exchange went back and forth for a few more seconds. I asked him to get his insurance specialist to try and confirm this.<br /><br />The insurance specialist called and told me that she was not able to get a human being on the phone, but as of December 2009, I got a $5K maximum IF spend, which I have probably already spent at least $1,000 of with the 2 IUI's, as well as a $10,000 OOP maximum that we are looking into using as well. Mr. jme and I have always been in agreement that if it were to come to IVF for us to get pregnant, we would donate my eggs for another couple who are in great need of a BFP too. Not only does this cut the cost of our IVF significantly, but it gives us the joy of helping someone else stuck in the misery that IF is.<br /><br />So, after some talks, we went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult to see how to get the ball rolling on April 30th at 3 PM. I am looking forward to exploring my options. <br /><br />In the meantime, I am reclaiming the joy my life used to have, and this weekend was the first good step.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-4800910636432041572010-04-13T18:23:00.000-05:002010-04-13T18:32:33.941-05:00Tick, tock, tick, tock.....Yes, this is what I am hearing 24/7 as I wait for the Hail Mary Beta. The time has gone by sooo slow, especially since I am on a strict no exercise, no lifting order. The phantom symptoms have been driving me <span style="font-weight:bold;">insane</span>. What is more infuriating? The fact that these symptoms come and go. If they were constant, maybe I would feel more confident. But, I guess that's why they are called phantom. Le sigh. <br /><br />I have been trying to throw myself into work, TV, Facebook, anything. If only I could make the time pass by to Friday at 4 AM, when I will POAS and know my fate. Sounds dramatic, yes? Well, that's how intense it feels to know a life changing event, either way, is just days away. Obviously, a BFP and subsequent pregnancy will change my life, but so will a BFN, when I put my baby making dreams on the shelf, for awhile. Either way, my life will not be the same after Friday morning.<br /><br />The good news? I have plenty to keep me occupied between now and then. An important sales call tomorrow, a Mardi Gras society meeting and costume fitting (EEK! Not now, with my 2 WW bloat!) tomorrow night, a business luncheon Thursday and a sorority alumnae group meeting Thursday night. Whew. I'm tired just looking at that. Hopefully my mind will be too.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-56726810583334656582010-04-05T19:34:00.000-05:002010-04-05T19:44:06.740-05:00Helloooooooo out there!Hello one and all!<br /><br />So, yes I have been totally MIA, and for that, my ultra super emphatic apologies...again. Here's the skinny on me as of late...<br /><br />-Last time we left jme, I was bowled over in pain post lap, asking for the strongest narcotic to get my nausea and just mere existence to be a blip of my unconscience. Well, turns out that I was allergic to Loritab. Who'd a thunk it, huh? So, after a switch to Darvocet, I was back to my usual self.<br /><br />-At my baseline u/s post lap, everything looked beautiful, so after some convincing from Mr. jme, I decided to give one try at Follistim + IUI + Progesterone post lap. Things went well, and within 10 days, I had 5 MATURE FOLLICLES. I couldn't believe it! It was time to trigger Friday, and not once, but twice, did my RE and nurses give me the "You're at high risk for multiples" speech. It was a tad scary. but I am ready!<br /><br />We triggered Friday, and on Saturday, 32 million sperm at 89% motility was inserted in my ute to attack those 5 eggs. Now, all prayers and wishes that at least one of those bad boys will fertilize and stick. <br /><br />I feel more hopeful than ever. Why? Because, A. I feel with my lap being a success (4 endometrioma removed, all clear), my 5 eggs and "perfect bloodwork," per my RE, I have never had nor may I ever have a better shot at getting pregnant. I am excited at the prospect that if this cycle works, my due date would be Christmas Day. But, most importantly, I am hopeful because if this cycle doesn't work, I have plans for my life until I can try again January/February 2011. I have gotten some calls from recruiters with different career opportunities, so if I am not pregnant, I plan on taking control of that job I loathe so much and getting something else that can make my life a bit more cheerful. So, either way, I'm good and I have a plan.<br /><br />So, nothing to do now, but sit and wait.....Beta # 1 is April 16th at 7:45 AM CST....jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-81383848661748531532010-03-16T15:03:00.000-06:002010-03-16T15:06:31.792-06:00Day 1 back to work = FAILYeah, so my first day back to work proved to be a bit too much for me. When I got there this morning, I started to feel extremely nauseated, to the point I was about to throw up harder than a 13 year old at his bar mitzvah. I also felt feverish, and my surgery wounds were more tender than they had been previously. I soldiered through till noon, but then I decided to cache out.<br /><br />I came home and slept from 12:45- 3:00, and I got up long enough to unload and reload the dishwasher. See, I'm *trying* to be productive....<br /><br />I hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I cannot miss anymore time from this stupid surgery.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-46717870380715459552010-03-15T13:00:00.001-06:002010-03-15T13:20:22.340-06:00Yep, I'm still alive...Hey ladies. Sorry I have been MIA for the past couple of weeks. I will try to get you up to speed with what's up with me....<br /><br /> My laparoscopy was March 12th. The surgery was successful. My RE confirmed Stage II endometriosis and removed 1 rather large endometrioma. I don't know much else, and my post-op appointment is March 29th, where I guess all will be revealed. I am waivering back and forth on the notion of getting back in the game after I get the green light from my RE. But, right now, I am just enjoying being care free and not TTC'ing. My injuries from surgery are not sightly. I have provided a picture of my bruising around my belly button today for your viewing pleasure.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFC4aL6zQ-D6j7yPIoW4DGqyMUNnZkHfztl-rT_uPBbKIIrRNMWnvyh1Z00i_cMxsaxayb2i2qCDeVcTjZEhdFmnNrABfapecoMOeazgv3r-9KJsrTSA2hGWMfT8ZVN80DJ60b-B7pCp0/s1600-h/DSC01616.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 150px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFC4aL6zQ-D6j7yPIoW4DGqyMUNnZkHfztl-rT_uPBbKIIrRNMWnvyh1Z00i_cMxsaxayb2i2qCDeVcTjZEhdFmnNrABfapecoMOeazgv3r-9KJsrTSA2hGWMfT8ZVN80DJ60b-B7pCp0/s200/DSC01616.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5448941161584605442" /></a><br /><br />I also woke up Sunday to a very bad pulling pain in my right shoulder, by the rotator cuff. I went to see my RE today, and he thinks I need to see an orthopedic surgeon, b/c he believes whoever put me in the hospital bed off the OR bed must have hurt my shoulder somehow. Lucky me. I did manage to score some more pain meds, so I guess that is a silver lining.<br /><br />Today is my last day off work, and I haven't done much, except some cleaning and starting and finishing Club Dead (awesome). I made it to my sorority alumnae group luncheon, and was elected VP/Treasurer. I was going to be President this year, but the original lady who was to be President is a lawyer, and since we need to become incorporated, etc, and she knows how to do that, we agreed she would set us up and run things this year, and I would take over next year. Hey, the less work the better, so I was cool with that. I've also been promoted from associate to active member in Pierrettes, my ladies Mardi Gras society, which means I can costume this year, vote, and serve on committees. I am super excited about it, b/c this is truly an honor since Pierrettes is the oldest women's Mardi Gras society still in existence in Mobile.I really feel like I am coming into my own in several aspects of my life, which is a comfort since I fall so short in the TTC category of things.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-34265013935735887902010-02-22T12:47:00.000-06:002010-02-22T12:49:57.245-06:00OnwardI went back to Eucharist for the first time in four years. It was really good for me, I think. I forgot how comforting the ritual is, and how easily all the homilies and prayers came back to my memory. Like riding a bike, LOL.<br /><br />I had a productive day yesterday, including going to yoga. I feel like I have been in a serious car accident today, but I am going to try and go back for another class tonight.<br /><br />AF showed up last night, so it's back to the old rat race. I go in tomorrow at 8:30 for my CD 3 u/s......details to come tomorrow.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-9506173545591437792010-02-20T15:14:00.000-06:002010-02-20T15:21:49.748-06:00BFFN.I got the news yesterday that it is official: IUI # 1 was a FAIL. I was pretty upset, even though I had POAS the day before with the same results. I guess the back of my mind kept hoping I had just tested too early. I was so visibily distraught, my boss let me go home early. I really appreciated that.<br /><br />I am going through with another IUI cycle w/ Follistim + Estrace + Ovidrel + Progesterone in the 2 WW. If we do not get pregnant this time, my RE wants to do a laparoscopy because he suspects I may have endo. Post-surgery, I am not sure what my plans are. I am seriously leaning towards a 6 month break from all things TTC. Most of my friends IRL are starting to try and lap me, and the pain has just gotten to be too much. I really want to reclaim my old life and just be me again.<br /><br />For now, I am waiting on AF to show up. Onward we march, I suppose. One more try for a 2010 sweet child of mine....please keep me in your prayers, it's getting harder for me everyday.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-4064364968000924222010-02-09T18:25:00.000-06:002010-02-09T18:31:58.576-06:00On a much lighter note...Hello, all. My sincere apologies for my previous dark and lonely ramblings. I read them again tonight and thought, God, what an awful jackass.<br /><br />Anyways, I am in the 2 WW currently, 3 DPIUI. I had one 22 mm follicle, and our IUI deposit from Mr. jme had 40 million sperm, with 94% motility. We also had sex that night, so add that to the mix too. Beta is 2/19.<br /><br />I am trying not to get my hopes up, but I really feel a peace at this moment about the potential outcome, either way. I have battled with myself a lot these past few weeks, and I am finally giving in. I have no control over the universe. Who knew, right?<br /><br />My RE said if this cycle was a bust, we could do another IUI back to back from this one. I am thankful for the second chance for a 2010 baby. A Christmas baby sounds delightful to me. It would get me out of the pressures of being an adult for the holidays, LOL.<br /><br />Mr. jme and I have talked about it, and we have decided to take an indefinite break from TTC if the 2nd IUI is a BFN. We both want a break and our old lives back, even for a little while. I am truly at peace with this decision. We will do the laparoscopy sometime in the summer, but the spring is ours. :-)<br /><br />Well, just wanted to check in. Later.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-2109746834598167602010-01-27T18:17:00.001-06:002010-01-27T18:17:46.696-06:00RealizationIf I don’t get pregnant by March, I will be looking at a 2011 baby.<br /><br />Since my RE takes breaks between IUI cycles, February is my last shot at having a 2010 baby. No pressure there.<br /><br />Somebody hold me and make me some creamy tomato soup, s’il vous plait.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-1473532310757336042010-01-27T18:08:00.000-06:002010-01-27T18:16:46.502-06:00Cream of the Crappy Day Crop: Part 2Oh yes, my shittastic Monday continues.<br /><br />The scene: the Subway by my house. I go here a lot, and several of the women I know personally. They lovingly call me “Mrs. Veggie” because I am a vegetarian and one of their only customers who are, so they know my sandwich by heart. I travel a good bit, as some of you know, and to eat healthy, Mr. jme and I find those most convenient since we are both too tired to cook most nights.<br /><br />I walk in to Subway Monday evening after work, and some of the ladies I know are working, but the woman who actually makes my sandwich on this day I do not know.<br /><br />I order my usual: 2 foot long veggies (1 for me, one for Mr. jme) on Monterey Cheddar with Buffalo sauce, and we are all the way to putting veggies on the sandwiches.<br /><br />Sandwich Artist: “Do you ever cook?”<br /><br />Jme: “Excuse me?”<br /><br />Sandwich Artist: “Do you ever cook? You’re in here a lot.”<br /><br />Jme: “Well, I work 50 hours a week, travel out of town every other week for my job, so no, cooking is not high on my priority list.”<br /><br />At this point, one of the ladies I know starts telling this broad the history behind me coming to them, and how they know me as Mrs. Veggie, and one day, my husband came in, and they immediately knew he was Mr. Veggie once he ordered…..<br /><br />Sandwich Artist: “Oh, hold up. ::judgingly looks me up and down:: You’re married?!?!?!?!? And you don’t cook none for yo husband????? I bet you don’t got no kids neither.”<br /><br />Jme: ::fuming at this point:: Yes, I am married. No, I do not have any children. Anymore personal questions you want to throw out there? Or can I go ahead and check out?”<br /><br />At this point, my friends who do work there nudged the woman to STFU, which she finally backed off, and made the comment that she would not ask my business anymore. I am not giving them the chance- as of right now, I am not going back there. I don’t need that shit. Especially from a woman who old enough to be my mother, and is stupid enough to only be able to be a sandwich artist for a career at this point in her life. Plus, maybe on another day, I would have reacted differently, but on that day, when my own mother had turned her back on me, it was too much for me to hold back.<br /><br />She has probably had more kids than she ever wants, and from the looks of her gold teeth, probably started popping them out at the ripe old age of 14. So is the way of the world.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6263709506827566543.post-6418752254071772942010-01-27T18:06:00.000-06:002010-01-27T18:08:45.691-06:00Cream of the Crappy Day Crop: Part 1Man, Monday was a shitty day for me. My mother and I got in a huge fight over something stupid. My mother and I have always been close, and she is privy to what I am going through now and it helps me to talk about how I feel and keep her in the loop.<br /><br />I could tell going into this whole injectables thing that my mother did not approve. My mother TTC’ed for 3 months before getting pregnant with me, and has expressed disbelief that I am seeking ART and continues to try and stress me out over the possible side effects of the drugs I have had to take, as well as the risks of cancer associated with Clomid. All of which are things I knew and considered before moving forward with treatment, which I have told her many times. Still, my mother continues to focus on the risks and negative factors with undergoing fertility treatments. That in and of itself frustrates me, because what gives the right to anyone that has not gone through the same thing as me to judge my choices?<br /><br />Anyways, I called my mother at work Monday morning, a little nervous about my CD 3 u/s and beginning injectables. Instead of receiving what I wanted, which was positive encouragement from my mother, my mother immediately jumps on my case because I did not go see my family medicine doctor first to get “cleared” to begin these treatments. I calmly told my mom that my RE and I, as well as my family medicine doctor, had discussed me moving forward and agreed that if I did not have signs of infection anymore (i.e. lovely green mucus and phlegm), I could go ahead and start my treatments. Well, I had an appointment with my family medicine doctor on Tuesday, but had carefully observed myself, and knew I no longer had signs of infection. Well, this was not good enough for my mother, who just kept going on and on, like a jackhammer, telling me I was making a mistake and telling me my desire to have a baby was clouding my judgment, and so on and so forth. Finally, I told her I didn’t have time for this and hung up.<br /><br />I went to my RE appointment, and everything looked good, as I previously mentioned. Well, I had no intention of sharing this with my mother. It is not my job to seek her approval or validate my choices to her, so I didn’t e-mail or call her post- appt, like I normally do. A few hours go by, and my mom sends me an e-mail not apologizing, but rather, demanding that I stop being mad at her and wanting to know the details of my appointment.<br /><br />At this point, I could have done what I normally do and given her the info, backed down and things would go back to the exact pattern they were that morning when I called. But instead, my heart told me to plea with her to be more positive. So I sent her an e-mail, asking for positive encouragement when I talk to her. I told her my RE had said to surround myself with people who uplifted me during this time, and right now, she was doing the exact opposite of uplifting me. I begged her to either be supportive of me, or step back from the situation.<br /><br /><br /><br />She writes me back, and tells me curtly to consider her out of the loop, and that in her poor health; she doesn’t need my “temper tantrums.” I write her back and say that I do not agree with her assertion that my e-mail was a temper tantrum. Rather, it was a carefully worded plea for some mercy, kindness, understanding and support during this trying time. I told her I wouldn’t be contacting her unless she could apologize and agree to be more supportive of me and respect my choices.<br /><br />Well, it’s now Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from my mother at all. It is hurtful, but right now, I just don’t have the time to deal with her. If it is more important to her to spout off her opinion and disapproval on everything, then I don’t need her to be a part of this process. I can promise you she will have limited access to any future children I may have- I do not think her approach is constructive, and her negative attitude has torn me down so many times in my life, that I don’t want my children to be inflicted with that.<br /><br />So, part 1 of a crappy day. At least I don’t have to hear the nagging anymore. Bright side, jme, bright side.jme515http://www.blogger.com/profile/16935468427781372432noreply@blogger.com1