So, my sincere apologies for being away from the blog for a bit. I feel like my life has been a gigantic whirlwind since the ball dropped for 2010. I have been recovering from pneumonia and I was on the road with my boss all of last week, and frankly, it was a bit daunting to think of updating my blog, or any of the interwebs, for that matter. And updating jme’s world? Forgetaboudit.
AF finally showed her face last Friday, which I am eternally grateful for. I am *trying* to look at the positive side of everything this year, so on that day, I was thankful that with all the dysfunction and lack of cooperation from my body, I could at least still bring AF on naturally. Hey, it’s small, but since everything regarding my lady bits is so artificial and unnatural right now, I will take it.
Speaking of lady bits, that brings me to my new cycle. I went in this Monday for my CD 3 ultrasound, and was fortunately cyst free and cleared to begin injectables. I am so thankful to be putting Clomid and her nasty symptoms behind me.
After a class on the injectables, as well as watching a video with the same information with Mr. jme, you would think I would be prepared and ready to go. Quite the opposite. I was so nervous about screwing up my dosage or accidentally stabbing too deep and puncturing my liver, that I requested Mr. jme review all of my preparatory work and make sure I was doing it right. He still made me inject myself, which I am thankful for. I need to do this, for myself. The injections themselves have not been so bad, aside from the redness and bleeding that occurs at the injection site post shot.
I am still in a bit of shock that we are finally here. I want so badly to remain hopeful that Follistim with the combination of Ovidrel, IUI, and progesterone suppositories in the 2 WW will be the winning ticket for me, but hope is a dangerous thing for me these days. So is faith. I can’t tell you how many of my e-friends or the few family/friends who know what I am going through offer me the advice “At this point, all you have is faith.”
While I understand that they probably had the best of intentions with this advice, it is like salt in the wound for me, especially coming from those who have never experienced loss or are currently living out my dream of being pregnant.
You can ask my husband, my mother, anyone who knows me IRL- I had always been someone with faith that there was a plan for me and that God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. I was that go-to faith person for my friends and family. But that was before 2009.
I had faith a year ago that I would get pregnant with no problems. I think we all know how that turned out, considering the title of my blog. I had faith four months ago that when I did get a surprise BFP, that my baby would stick, and together, we would have a wonderful life. Again, here I am, with no baby, and this time, stripped of my faith and instead filled with a gaping void that I don’t know how to fill.
No matter what I do, I cannot regain my faith. I don’t care what anyone says, my faith betrayed me in ways I cannot easily look past. To tell you that I undoubtedly believe things will work out for me and I will carry a child to term would be a lie. There are no guarantees in this life- and don’t tell me that perhaps God has another plan for me and maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother. Maybe you’re right, but hearing those words again from someone else is enough to send me over the edge.
So, where does this leave me? Taking each day as it is, and trying to make it through the end of the day. It leaves me trying to regain my life from TTTC, by getting back to things I used to love, like spending time with friends, working out, and of course, being involved in my 2 Mardi Gras organizations. These activities help me see glimmers of the old me again, and that is progress, IMO. I am yet to do yoga this year, which is appalling and inexcusable. My next goal is to get back to going to at least 1 yoga class a week. Yoga has always been therapy for me, and I know I need it in my life.
Sorry for the hella long ramblings. I do have some more entries to write, but I appreciate anyone and everyone who made it through this and understands how I feel.
Do know that you are not alone, even if we don’t get what we want in the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment