Last night, I got home from work and went on a 2 mile run. I just had to try and clear my mind. On my run, I thought of everything we've been through and every up and down thus far in our IF journey. I thought about God, and what His plan is for us, whatever that may be. I thought of Mr. jme- how disappointed he must be, to have just had his 32nd birthday, with no prospect of a child of his own to love anytime soon.
I felt so much better after the run. It was a release. I saw that Mr. jme's car was home when I got there. He must have needed to clear his mind too, because when I walked in, he was on the treadmill. I asked him how he was feeling about the failed recipient match. He kind of shrugged, and told me he felt like it must have not been the right situation for us, and that this was probably best, since the added stress of IVF injections might be too much for me starting a new job. He promised me he was not upset, and that we would move forward from this, and try to enjoy our 2nd round of a break.
I went around the house last night and scooped up all the paperwork, the antibiotics and valium for my egg retrieval that will not be. I opened the fridge and hid the injectables so they wouldn't be staring me in the face everytime I opened it up for a snack. I blew the dust off a gift box that Mr. jme had given me last year with my first BFP. Inside was a beautiful baby jacquard throw, with a baby New Orleans Saint and a black and gold football field in the background. It said "Our Little Saint" on the edge. I folded the throw quickly and placed it in the drawer with all other things baby. I just don't want to look at those things right now. Another time.
While I do feel some relief that my first few weeks of my new career will be less stressful, I still feel not only a great emptiness inside me of what might have been, but also a disappointment in the events and a feeling that I've let down my husband.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
It's over
D, my IVF nurse called me. I thought it was weird she called in response to an e-mail I sent her about what to do about BCP since my last pill was today.
She told me that the recipient had backed out. Apparently, the recipient came in for her embroyology and injections class, and freaked the fuck out. She lives a few hours away from here, and she couldn't handle the time committment. WTF did she think IVF was? Waving a magic wand and hoping all was good on the day of ET? My IVF nurse thinks she either didn't have the $$ since deposit time was coming up, or that she did not follow her doctor's orders and diet to get her out of the pre-diabetic category by baseline. Or maybe both.
Frankly, I do know this is for the best. If someone cannot handle the time to do IVF and can't even follow a diet long enough to make baseline, what does that say about their committment to this? Not a lot, IMO.
My nurse said that I could just go on inactive right now, since I am starting this new job, and become reactive as a donor when I am ready, which will probably be late next summer/early fall. I do feel a bit relieved, but also a disappointed. It seems like there is always an obstacle for me to achieving my dreams of being pregnant.
I just have to trust in God's plan and know this recipient was not the right one for me, and that next year, God will provide me with someone who is ready at the same time as me.
I plan on still blogging, and hopefully getting back into the swing of things this time next year!
She told me that the recipient had backed out. Apparently, the recipient came in for her embroyology and injections class, and freaked the fuck out. She lives a few hours away from here, and she couldn't handle the time committment. WTF did she think IVF was? Waving a magic wand and hoping all was good on the day of ET? My IVF nurse thinks she either didn't have the $$ since deposit time was coming up, or that she did not follow her doctor's orders and diet to get her out of the pre-diabetic category by baseline. Or maybe both.
Frankly, I do know this is for the best. If someone cannot handle the time to do IVF and can't even follow a diet long enough to make baseline, what does that say about their committment to this? Not a lot, IMO.
My nurse said that I could just go on inactive right now, since I am starting this new job, and become reactive as a donor when I am ready, which will probably be late next summer/early fall. I do feel a bit relieved, but also a disappointed. It seems like there is always an obstacle for me to achieving my dreams of being pregnant.
I just have to trust in God's plan and know this recipient was not the right one for me, and that next year, God will provide me with someone who is ready at the same time as me.
I plan on still blogging, and hopefully getting back into the swing of things this time next year!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
My Dark Passenger called Shotgun.....again.
Remember how in this post, I declared myself a new woman, and vowed to shrug off any nagging feelings of bitterness, inadequacy and jealousy towards others who are more fortunate and fertile than me?
I was doing great. No, really, I was. I was feeling happiness for my Trouble TTC friends who got their long awaited BFP's (still do, this is not about them). I was even able to smile at the babies I passed in the grocery store.
Then, my phone rang last week. It was my best friend, EJ.
Side note: EJ and I have been friends for 22 years. That's a whole slutty college student who can drink, y'all. We grew up together, and year after year, played house with our Barbies and N.K.O.T.B. dolls, planning weddings, babies and all the other events life held in store for us. We would chatter away about the day when each of us got married, and we got to stand at the altar as a bridesmaid for the other. We dreamed of the day when we would get pregnant around the same time, and our kids would grow up together, and have the same stellar friendship we had. Ah, it was beautiful.
We grew up, and sure enough, I got engaged first. EJ was there to hold my train and my bouquet, throw me a shower and throw petals as Mr. jme and I got into that limo all those years ago. Likewise, 2 years later, EJ got married to her old childhood sweetheart, and I returned the favors. Life was good.
Then, Mr. jme and I started to TTC. I thought to myself, I'll be pregnant by Christmas, and EJ and I can go shopping for baby clothes together, etc, etc. Christmas came, and with it came a darkness over me from my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone, as most of you know. EJ couldn't be there for me, mainly because I had not told anyone about our issues at that point.
Flash forward to May of this year. EJ and I also share birthdays 14 days apart, so we had a combined girl's weekend at a spa to celebrate the occasion. The two of us split off from the rest of the group and got a mani/pedi. EJ was talking about future plans (her husband is still an undergrad and she is the sole breadwinner with a menial clerk job), and she mentions they will begin TTC.
I lost it. At that point, I told her everything. The good (not much of that), the bad, and the ugly. She was shocked. She said she was so sorry for me. She tried to give me every cliche comfort I have gotten, and I graciously accepted. She told me she thought it would take awhile for them, because of past female issues she had. I kind of side eyed that statement- no one can just guess something like that.
End side note. It you made it this far, I owe you a beer.
So the phone rang, and I picked up. It was EJ.
EJ: "Hey JME!"
JME: "Hey EJ, what's up?"
EJ: "Remember that thing we talked about in May?"
JME: (heart sinks to floor) "Yeah?"
EJ: "I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I felt crushed. I felt shock and anger. How could this twit be knocked up after a mere 2-3 months of trying? WTMFF???????????????????
It was back. My Dark Passenger, that is. My infertility, ready to take me hostage again. A moment that EJ and I had planned our whole lives, a moment that was supposed to be joyous for both of us, fell far short from that. It was because of me.
My Dark Passenger tries to justify my bitterness by saying. "Well, the way she told you was cruel. She knew you talked about your m/c and IUI's and IVF's that day- how could she be so flippant?" I know my IF is probably the last thing on her mind. She doesn't know what this feels like. She can't possibly understand how bad it killed me.
She can't possibly understand how disgusted with myself I am that I am resolved to avoid her as much as possible now.
My mother has been trying to help, key word TRYING. She tells me, "Well, EJ is already huge at 12 weeks, and you know EJ and Mr. EJ have no money since he is still in school, and how could they be so stupid as to let this happen??" But, again, she doesn't understand either.
So, here I am, being ruled by my Dark Passenger. I have hid EJ off my Facebook newsfeed, as her posts everyday are pregnancy related, complaining about the weight gain, nausea, etc, etc. I just can't take it. Nevermind I have my own plan to become a mother, and it WILL happen for me one day, in one shape or form.
It still just hurts, and I once again feel that everyone is leaving me behind. Less and less of my friends understand or can even pretend to understand.
And now, I have to see her in 2 weeks, and I don't know how to handle it. Especially considering I will be 110% nutso on Lupron by this point.
For my IF readers: How have you dealt with situations like this? What kind of advice would you give besides avoidance?
I was doing great. No, really, I was. I was feeling happiness for my Trouble TTC friends who got their long awaited BFP's (still do, this is not about them). I was even able to smile at the babies I passed in the grocery store.
Then, my phone rang last week. It was my best friend, EJ.
Side note: EJ and I have been friends for 22 years. That's a whole slutty college student who can drink, y'all. We grew up together, and year after year, played house with our Barbies and N.K.O.T.B. dolls, planning weddings, babies and all the other events life held in store for us. We would chatter away about the day when each of us got married, and we got to stand at the altar as a bridesmaid for the other. We dreamed of the day when we would get pregnant around the same time, and our kids would grow up together, and have the same stellar friendship we had. Ah, it was beautiful.
We grew up, and sure enough, I got engaged first. EJ was there to hold my train and my bouquet, throw me a shower and throw petals as Mr. jme and I got into that limo all those years ago. Likewise, 2 years later, EJ got married to her old childhood sweetheart, and I returned the favors. Life was good.
Then, Mr. jme and I started to TTC. I thought to myself, I'll be pregnant by Christmas, and EJ and I can go shopping for baby clothes together, etc, etc. Christmas came, and with it came a darkness over me from my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone, as most of you know. EJ couldn't be there for me, mainly because I had not told anyone about our issues at that point.
Flash forward to May of this year. EJ and I also share birthdays 14 days apart, so we had a combined girl's weekend at a spa to celebrate the occasion. The two of us split off from the rest of the group and got a mani/pedi. EJ was talking about future plans (her husband is still an undergrad and she is the sole breadwinner with a menial clerk job), and she mentions they will begin TTC.
I lost it. At that point, I told her everything. The good (not much of that), the bad, and the ugly. She was shocked. She said she was so sorry for me. She tried to give me every cliche comfort I have gotten, and I graciously accepted. She told me she thought it would take awhile for them, because of past female issues she had. I kind of side eyed that statement- no one can just guess something like that.
End side note. It you made it this far, I owe you a beer.
So the phone rang, and I picked up. It was EJ.
EJ: "Hey JME!"
JME: "Hey EJ, what's up?"
EJ: "Remember that thing we talked about in May?"
JME: (heart sinks to floor) "Yeah?"
EJ: "I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I felt crushed. I felt shock and anger. How could this twit be knocked up after a mere 2-3 months of trying? WTMFF???????????????????
It was back. My Dark Passenger, that is. My infertility, ready to take me hostage again. A moment that EJ and I had planned our whole lives, a moment that was supposed to be joyous for both of us, fell far short from that. It was because of me.
My Dark Passenger tries to justify my bitterness by saying. "Well, the way she told you was cruel. She knew you talked about your m/c and IUI's and IVF's that day- how could she be so flippant?" I know my IF is probably the last thing on her mind. She doesn't know what this feels like. She can't possibly understand how bad it killed me.
She can't possibly understand how disgusted with myself I am that I am resolved to avoid her as much as possible now.
My mother has been trying to help, key word TRYING. She tells me, "Well, EJ is already huge at 12 weeks, and you know EJ and Mr. EJ have no money since he is still in school, and how could they be so stupid as to let this happen??" But, again, she doesn't understand either.
So, here I am, being ruled by my Dark Passenger. I have hid EJ off my Facebook newsfeed, as her posts everyday are pregnancy related, complaining about the weight gain, nausea, etc, etc. I just can't take it. Nevermind I have my own plan to become a mother, and it WILL happen for me one day, in one shape or form.
It still just hurts, and I once again feel that everyone is leaving me behind. Less and less of my friends understand or can even pretend to understand.
And now, I have to see her in 2 weeks, and I don't know how to handle it. Especially considering I will be 110% nutso on Lupron by this point.
For my IF readers: How have you dealt with situations like this? What kind of advice would you give besides avoidance?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Love this....
I am being a total copycat from Sulfa's page, but I loved this so much, I had to repost it on my blog for my few readers. In case you didn't see it previously, it pretty much hits the nail on the head in regards to the stupid things people say but should not say to those suffering from infertility.
So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking… doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…
So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!"
Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.
DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent. And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.
I think this should be mandatory reading for ALL!!!
So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?
1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!
2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!
3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.
4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.
5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.
6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.
7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?
8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!
9. But don't you *want* to walk?
10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.
11. You're so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.
12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.
13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.
14. Look at those people hiking… doesn't that make you want to hike?
15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.
16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.
17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.
18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.
19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.
20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.
21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.
22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!
23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!
24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.
25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!
26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!
27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.
28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…
So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!"
Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.
DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent. And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.
I think this should be mandatory reading for ALL!!!
Back to school, back to school....
To prove to Dad that I'm no fool.....
Hee, hee. Not really, but today certainly felt like a remedial course in all thing injections and IF that I know. Today, Mr. JME and I attended our Embryology and Injections class. All went well, and I already knew everything about injections, except for the mixing of the Menopur and Novarel. I was relieved to learn that I will not have to do any PIO shots when the time finally comes for my transfer next summer!! (PHEW) Instead, Crinone suppositories will be the M.O. for the 2WW, 2x daily.
I have been on BCP since the 26th, and will begin my Lupron injections on the 17th of this month. The embryologist was very cool, a New Orleans lady with a blunt sense of humor. She told us straight up that there is a big chance that I may not produce enough eggs to split with my recipient, and will have to give all of my eggs this go around to her and do another fresh cycle myself some time in the future. Really, I am more than okay with this. My recipient gets her shot at being pregnant ASAP, and I get to have a new cycle for virtualyl free at my choosing down the road. My Embryologist told me frankly, this might be the best outcome to hope for. I will be happy with whatever path God intends for me to be on, truthfully.
The only possible hiccup down the road now is on my recipient's side. My donor IVF nurse, D, told me that my recipiet's bloodwork came back borderline diabetic, and she is having to see a specialist right now in an effort to get her blood work to an acceptable level to proceed by the 17th. Her specialist felt this could be accomplished, but if for some reason it does not, the whole cycle is off. That leaves much in the balance, but my nurse told me to focus on today and tomorrow, and no further in the future than that. Will do!
Hee, hee. Not really, but today certainly felt like a remedial course in all thing injections and IF that I know. Today, Mr. JME and I attended our Embryology and Injections class. All went well, and I already knew everything about injections, except for the mixing of the Menopur and Novarel. I was relieved to learn that I will not have to do any PIO shots when the time finally comes for my transfer next summer!! (PHEW) Instead, Crinone suppositories will be the M.O. for the 2WW, 2x daily.
I have been on BCP since the 26th, and will begin my Lupron injections on the 17th of this month. The embryologist was very cool, a New Orleans lady with a blunt sense of humor. She told us straight up that there is a big chance that I may not produce enough eggs to split with my recipient, and will have to give all of my eggs this go around to her and do another fresh cycle myself some time in the future. Really, I am more than okay with this. My recipient gets her shot at being pregnant ASAP, and I get to have a new cycle for virtualyl free at my choosing down the road. My Embryologist told me frankly, this might be the best outcome to hope for. I will be happy with whatever path God intends for me to be on, truthfully.
The only possible hiccup down the road now is on my recipient's side. My donor IVF nurse, D, told me that my recipiet's bloodwork came back borderline diabetic, and she is having to see a specialist right now in an effort to get her blood work to an acceptable level to proceed by the 17th. Her specialist felt this could be accomplished, but if for some reason it does not, the whole cycle is off. That leaves much in the balance, but my nurse told me to focus on today and tomorrow, and no further in the future than that. Will do!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Sigh of Relief
So, I talked to my nurse. She first said, "Whoa," after I told her everything. She told me that she can make this work, well I will do the ER now for my recipient, and freeze my embies or do a new IVF cycle if I have to give mine all away to my receipient (if there are less than 8). 8 is truly the magic number here.
She did say that I will incur more costs for a FET later down the road, so I asked her to please work up an estimate on how much more it will be. Since I am going to be making a lot more money than I am now, I will hopefully have enough saved up to be able to pay the extra fee now problem.
I feel sooooo much better. I know now I am not letting my recipient down, and I can now focus on getting the lay of the land at my new job and doing my FET or IVF # 2 (whichever it works out to be) next summer.
I feel tons better!!!!!!!!
She did say that I will incur more costs for a FET later down the road, so I asked her to please work up an estimate on how much more it will be. Since I am going to be making a lot more money than I am now, I will hopefully have enough saved up to be able to pay the extra fee now problem.
I feel sooooo much better. I know now I am not letting my recipient down, and I can now focus on getting the lay of the land at my new job and doing my FET or IVF # 2 (whichever it works out to be) next summer.
I feel tons better!!!!!!!!
Sick to my stomach
Ok, so last I wrote, I had a huge dilemna. I was offered my dream job, and it starts around the time I would be stimming for IVF. I was freaking out yesterday, but decided to not contact my IVF nurse till I could speak with my husband.
He had a very interesting idea. Since this is a federal job, the first year is a trial period, at which any given point, you can be fired for any reason. So, our fear is that if I am visibly pregnant before my year end review next September, I will be fired. But, here's his brilliant idea: since I do NOT want to disappoint my recipient or make her wait any longer to achieve her dreams, what if I could do my stims and the ER, divide the eggs in half (if I have more than 8. If less than 8, she gets them all anyways), and once mine are fertilized, freeze them and do an FET in the summer?
Sure, that means I won't have a fresh cycle, but it seems many of my fellow Bumpies are having better luck with FET's than their fresh IVF cycles. Plus, then I could do my FET in June or July of 2011, and if it takes, still not be visibly pregnant in late September for my year end review. Once that year mark hits, I will be vested and cannot be fired because I am pregnant.
Worst case scenario? I only produce 8 eggs or less, and then my recipient gets them all. But, this is not a 'worst case scenario,' because if this happens, then I get an entirely free new IVF cycle of my own, with no donation, since I donated everything the previous round.
I sent an e-mail to my IVF nurse letting her know I needed to talk to her. I am sick to my stomach waiting for the call.
Please keep me in your prayers that 1) This scenario can work and 2) if it doesn't, I will get another opportunity that will still allow me to take this job, which is the best thing financially for my family.
He had a very interesting idea. Since this is a federal job, the first year is a trial period, at which any given point, you can be fired for any reason. So, our fear is that if I am visibly pregnant before my year end review next September, I will be fired. But, here's his brilliant idea: since I do NOT want to disappoint my recipient or make her wait any longer to achieve her dreams, what if I could do my stims and the ER, divide the eggs in half (if I have more than 8. If less than 8, she gets them all anyways), and once mine are fertilized, freeze them and do an FET in the summer?
Sure, that means I won't have a fresh cycle, but it seems many of my fellow Bumpies are having better luck with FET's than their fresh IVF cycles. Plus, then I could do my FET in June or July of 2011, and if it takes, still not be visibly pregnant in late September for my year end review. Once that year mark hits, I will be vested and cannot be fired because I am pregnant.
Worst case scenario? I only produce 8 eggs or less, and then my recipient gets them all. But, this is not a 'worst case scenario,' because if this happens, then I get an entirely free new IVF cycle of my own, with no donation, since I donated everything the previous round.
I sent an e-mail to my IVF nurse letting her know I needed to talk to her. I am sick to my stomach waiting for the call.
Please keep me in your prayers that 1) This scenario can work and 2) if it doesn't, I will get another opportunity that will still allow me to take this job, which is the best thing financially for my family.
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