Empty

Last night, I got home from work and went on a 2 mile run. I just had to try and clear my mind. On my run, I thought of everything we've been through and every up and down thus far in our IF journey. I thought about God, and what His plan is for us, whatever that may be. I thought of Mr. jme- how disappointed he must be, to have just had his 32nd birthday, with no prospect of a child of his own to love anytime soon.

I felt so much better after the run. It was a release. I saw that Mr. jme's car was home when I got there. He must have needed to clear his mind too, because when I walked in, he was on the treadmill. I asked him how he was feeling about the failed recipient match. He kind of shrugged, and told me he felt like it must have not been the right situation for us, and that this was probably best, since the added stress of IVF injections might be too much for me starting a new job. He promised me he was not upset, and that we would move forward from this, and try to enjoy our 2nd round of a break.

I went around the house last night and scooped up all the paperwork, the antibiotics and valium for my egg retrieval that will not be. I opened the fridge and hid the injectables so they wouldn't be staring me in the face everytime I opened it up for a snack. I blew the dust off a gift box that Mr. jme had given me last year with my first BFP. Inside was a beautiful baby jacquard throw, with a baby New Orleans Saint and a black and gold football field in the background. It said "Our Little Saint" on the edge. I folded the throw quickly and placed it in the drawer with all other things baby. I just don't want to look at those things right now. Another time.

While I do feel some relief that my first few weeks of my new career will be less stressful, I still feel not only a great emptiness inside me of what might have been, but also a disappointment in the events and a feeling that I've let down my husband.