Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My Dark Passenger called Shotgun.....again.

Remember how in this post, I declared myself a new woman, and vowed to shrug off any nagging feelings of bitterness, inadequacy and jealousy towards others who are more fortunate and fertile than me?

I was doing great. No, really, I was. I was feeling happiness for my Trouble TTC friends who got their long awaited BFP's (still do, this is not about them). I was even able to smile at the babies I passed in the grocery store.

Then, my phone rang last week. It was my best friend, EJ.

Side note: EJ and I have been friends for 22 years. That's a whole slutty college student who can drink, y'all. We grew up together, and year after year, played house with our Barbies and N.K.O.T.B. dolls, planning weddings, babies and all the other events life held in store for us. We would chatter away about the day when each of us got married, and we got to stand at the altar as a bridesmaid for the other. We dreamed of the day when we would get pregnant around the same time, and our kids would grow up together, and have the same stellar friendship we had. Ah, it was beautiful.

We grew up, and sure enough, I got engaged first. EJ was there to hold my train and my bouquet, throw me a shower and throw petals as Mr. jme and I got into that limo all those years ago. Likewise, 2 years later, EJ got married to her old childhood sweetheart, and I returned the favors. Life was good.

Then, Mr. jme and I started to TTC. I thought to myself, I'll be pregnant by Christmas, and EJ and I can go shopping for baby clothes together, etc, etc. Christmas came, and with it came a darkness over me from my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone, as most of you know. EJ couldn't be there for me, mainly because I had not told anyone about our issues at that point.

Flash forward to May of this year. EJ and I also share birthdays 14 days apart, so we had a combined girl's weekend at a spa to celebrate the occasion. The two of us split off from the rest of the group and got a mani/pedi. EJ was talking about future plans (her husband is still an undergrad and she is the sole breadwinner with a menial clerk job), and she mentions they will begin TTC.

I lost it. At that point, I told her everything. The good (not much of that), the bad, and the ugly. She was shocked. She said she was so sorry for me. She tried to give me every cliche comfort I have gotten, and I graciously accepted. She told me she thought it would take awhile for them, because of past female issues she had. I kind of side eyed that statement- no one can just guess something like that.

End side note. It you made it this far, I owe you a beer.

So the phone rang, and I picked up. It was EJ.

EJ: "Hey JME!"

JME: "Hey EJ, what's up?"

EJ: "Remember that thing we talked about in May?"

JME: (heart sinks to floor) "Yeah?"

EJ: "I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I felt crushed. I felt shock and anger. How could this twit be knocked up after a mere 2-3 months of trying? WTMFF???????????????????

It was back. My Dark Passenger, that is. My infertility, ready to take me hostage again. A moment that EJ and I had planned our whole lives, a moment that was supposed to be joyous for both of us, fell far short from that. It was because of me.

My Dark Passenger tries to justify my bitterness by saying. "Well, the way she told you was cruel. She knew you talked about your m/c and IUI's and IVF's that day- how could she be so flippant?" I know my IF is probably the last thing on her mind. She doesn't know what this feels like. She can't possibly understand how bad it killed me.

She can't possibly understand how disgusted with myself I am that I am resolved to avoid her as much as possible now.

My mother has been trying to help, key word TRYING. She tells me, "Well, EJ is already huge at 12 weeks, and you know EJ and Mr. EJ have no money since he is still in school, and how could they be so stupid as to let this happen??" But, again, she doesn't understand either.

So, here I am, being ruled by my Dark Passenger. I have hid EJ off my Facebook newsfeed, as her posts everyday are pregnancy related, complaining about the weight gain, nausea, etc, etc. I just can't take it. Nevermind I have my own plan to become a mother, and it WILL happen for me one day, in one shape or form.

It still just hurts, and I once again feel that everyone is leaving me behind. Less and less of my friends understand or can even pretend to understand.

And now, I have to see her in 2 weeks, and I don't know how to handle it. Especially considering I will be 110% nutso on Lupron by this point.

For my IF readers: How have you dealt with situations like this? What kind of advice would you give besides avoidance?

1 comment:

  1. I don't have advice for you but I just wanted to say, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. (((BIG HUGS)))