Cancelled cycle

Well, as most of you know already, I went in for my CD 12 check up Christmas Eve and had no follies above 10 mm. I had to go back in Monday on CD 16, and again, my follies were only around 12 mm on both sides. My trigger was cancelled. The RE said we could still try naturally, but there are no guarantees I will surge and O naturally, only the time and the P4 test next week will tell.

I'm not really surprised this happened. What does surprise me is my RE's determination to go forward with yet another Clomid cycle next month- at 150 mg to boot. Good Lord, I was an emotional TRAIN WRECK at 100 mg- will the small piece of my pre-TTC life that I still have intact completely be destroyed? Is the 100 mg from this cycle making me completely overreact to this news? Definitely.

I know I am by no means a medical professional, but to me, common sense tells you that if I am not responding to 100 mg, and responded poorly the cycle before to 50 mg, perhaps my body is not going to respond to 150 mg? When I asked the nurse to riddle me this yesterday, she kind of came back at me snarky and said, "Well, we will go all the way up to 200 mg before we will consider moving on to injectables. If you want to move on before that step, you will have to come in to Dr. K and explain your position to him."

Well, I'm not going to fucking do that. What basis do I have other than Clomid is making me a crazier person than I already was? (Their response: You were aware of the possible side effects of Clomid before beginning treatment) I don't think that will warrant a treatment change from him, and I don't care to be lectured on why he is the doctor and I am the infertile patient, YKWIM?

So, I guess for now, I have to trust in my doctor. I guess my problem is that with every appointment that comes and goes with more bad news stacking on top of the last, it is hard to ever see a positive end to this journey.

I am off work this week, thank God. Mr. jme and I are painting the master bedroom, our master bath, and the spare bath. Things are looking good so far, pics to come later.