It's over

D, my IVF nurse called me. I thought it was weird she called in response to an e-mail I sent her about what to do about BCP since my last pill was today.

She told me that the recipient had backed out. Apparently, the recipient came in for her embroyology and injections class, and freaked the fuck out. She lives a few hours away from here, and she couldn't handle the time committment. WTF did she think IVF was? Waving a magic wand and hoping all was good on the day of ET? My IVF nurse thinks she either didn't have the $$ since deposit time was coming up, or that she did not follow her doctor's orders and diet to get her out of the pre-diabetic category by baseline. Or maybe both.

Frankly, I do know this is for the best. If someone cannot handle the time to do IVF and can't even follow a diet long enough to make baseline, what does that say about their committment to this? Not a lot, IMO.

My nurse said that I could just go on inactive right now, since I am starting this new job, and become reactive as a donor when I am ready, which will probably be late next summer/early fall. I do feel a bit relieved, but also a disappointed. It seems like there is always an obstacle for me to achieving my dreams of being pregnant.

I just have to trust in God's plan and know this recipient was not the right one for me, and that next year, God will provide me with someone who is ready at the same time as me.

I plan on still blogging, and hopefully getting back into the swing of things this time next year!

My Dark Passenger called Shotgun.....again.

Remember how in this post, I declared myself a new woman, and vowed to shrug off any nagging feelings of bitterness, inadequacy and jealousy towards others who are more fortunate and fertile than me?

I was doing great. No, really, I was. I was feeling happiness for my Trouble TTC friends who got their long awaited BFP's (still do, this is not about them). I was even able to smile at the babies I passed in the grocery store.

Then, my phone rang last week. It was my best friend, EJ.

Side note: EJ and I have been friends for 22 years. That's a whole slutty college student who can drink, y'all. We grew up together, and year after year, played house with our Barbies and N.K.O.T.B. dolls, planning weddings, babies and all the other events life held in store for us. We would chatter away about the day when each of us got married, and we got to stand at the altar as a bridesmaid for the other. We dreamed of the day when we would get pregnant around the same time, and our kids would grow up together, and have the same stellar friendship we had. Ah, it was beautiful.

We grew up, and sure enough, I got engaged first. EJ was there to hold my train and my bouquet, throw me a shower and throw petals as Mr. jme and I got into that limo all those years ago. Likewise, 2 years later, EJ got married to her old childhood sweetheart, and I returned the favors. Life was good.

Then, Mr. jme and I started to TTC. I thought to myself, I'll be pregnant by Christmas, and EJ and I can go shopping for baby clothes together, etc, etc. Christmas came, and with it came a darkness over me from my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone, as most of you know. EJ couldn't be there for me, mainly because I had not told anyone about our issues at that point.

Flash forward to May of this year. EJ and I also share birthdays 14 days apart, so we had a combined girl's weekend at a spa to celebrate the occasion. The two of us split off from the rest of the group and got a mani/pedi. EJ was talking about future plans (her husband is still an undergrad and she is the sole breadwinner with a menial clerk job), and she mentions they will begin TTC.

I lost it. At that point, I told her everything. The good (not much of that), the bad, and the ugly. She was shocked. She said she was so sorry for me. She tried to give me every cliche comfort I have gotten, and I graciously accepted. She told me she thought it would take awhile for them, because of past female issues she had. I kind of side eyed that statement- no one can just guess something like that.

End side note. It you made it this far, I owe you a beer.

So the phone rang, and I picked up. It was EJ.

EJ: "Hey JME!"

JME: "Hey EJ, what's up?"

EJ: "Remember that thing we talked about in May?"

JME: (heart sinks to floor) "Yeah?"

EJ: "I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I felt crushed. I felt shock and anger. How could this twit be knocked up after a mere 2-3 months of trying? WTMFF???????????????????

It was back. My Dark Passenger, that is. My infertility, ready to take me hostage again. A moment that EJ and I had planned our whole lives, a moment that was supposed to be joyous for both of us, fell far short from that. It was because of me.

My Dark Passenger tries to justify my bitterness by saying. "Well, the way she told you was cruel. She knew you talked about your m/c and IUI's and IVF's that day- how could she be so flippant?" I know my IF is probably the last thing on her mind. She doesn't know what this feels like. She can't possibly understand how bad it killed me.

She can't possibly understand how disgusted with myself I am that I am resolved to avoid her as much as possible now.

My mother has been trying to help, key word TRYING. She tells me, "Well, EJ is already huge at 12 weeks, and you know EJ and Mr. EJ have no money since he is still in school, and how could they be so stupid as to let this happen??" But, again, she doesn't understand either.

So, here I am, being ruled by my Dark Passenger. I have hid EJ off my Facebook newsfeed, as her posts everyday are pregnancy related, complaining about the weight gain, nausea, etc, etc. I just can't take it. Nevermind I have my own plan to become a mother, and it WILL happen for me one day, in one shape or form.

It still just hurts, and I once again feel that everyone is leaving me behind. Less and less of my friends understand or can even pretend to understand.

And now, I have to see her in 2 weeks, and I don't know how to handle it. Especially considering I will be 110% nutso on Lupron by this point.

For my IF readers: How have you dealt with situations like this? What kind of advice would you give besides avoidance?

Love this....

I am being a total copycat from Sulfa's page, but I loved this so much, I had to repost it on my blog for my few readers. In case you didn't see it previously, it pretty much hits the nail on the head in regards to the stupid things people say but should not say to those suffering from infertility.

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile?

1. As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

2. You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

3. My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

4. I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

5. Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

6. Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

7. So… when are *you* going to start walking?

8. Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

9. But don't you *want* to walk?

10. You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

11. You're so lucky… think of the money you save on shoes.

12. I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

13. I hope you don't try those anti-paralysis drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

14. Look at those people hiking… doesn't that make you want to hike?

15. Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

16. Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

17. I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

18. I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

19. You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

20. Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

21. If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

22. If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

23. You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

24. You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

25. Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

26. Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

27. When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

28. And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running…

So here's a little hint. If someone you know tells you that she's trying to get pregnant and it's taking longer than expected, DON'T tell her to just relax. Don't tell her to adopt and then surely she'll get pregnant with her own child. Don't tell her that God has a plan for her. Don't say, "At least it's fun trying!"

Scheduling sex with the person you love isn't fun. Getting vaginal ultrasounds every other day and intramuscular injections in your ass twice a day isn't fun. Finding out every single month that - yet again - it didn't work this month either is Just. Not. Fun.

DO tell her that you're sorry she's going through such pain/grief/frustration. Do tell her that you're glad she told you. Do tell her that, even if you don't bring it up (because you want to respect her privacy and understand that she might not feel like talking about it sometimes), that you're there for her if she ever wants to talk or vent. And DON'T feel that because she told you that it's okay for you to tell your other friends, children, co-workers, neighbors, cousins, mailman, whomever - unless she tells you that it's okay to do so. Your need to share news pales in comparison to her need to maintain a shred of privacy and dignity.

I think this should be mandatory reading for ALL!!!

Back to Basic Bitter.

So, for my Bump chicas....yep, it was a BFFN.

I was a complete wreck Friday. I POAS around 2:30 AM, and could not go to sleep after knowing the truth. I cried like a newborn at the RE's office for my Beta. I cried again at work when my RE personally called me to tell me it was officially a BFN. I cried as I packed up my clothes and toiletries to hit Destin, Florida for the weekend. I wish I had been in the mood to take some pictures, because I would have posted them here.

When my RE called though, he told me that he felt that IVF was my best shot at getting pregnant. I very quickly pointed out to him that my insurance did not cover IVF, leaving me out in the cold for further treatments. He said, "You are covered." I said, "No, I'm not." He said, "I believe you are." And this exchange went back and forth for a few more seconds. I asked him to get his insurance specialist to try and confirm this.

The insurance specialist called and told me that she was not able to get a human being on the phone, but as of December 2009, I got a $5K maximum IF spend, which I have probably already spent at least $1,000 of with the 2 IUI's, as well as a $10,000 OOP maximum that we are looking into using as well. Mr. jme and I have always been in agreement that if it were to come to IVF for us to get pregnant, we would donate my eggs for another couple who are in great need of a BFP too. Not only does this cut the cost of our IVF significantly, but it gives us the joy of helping someone else stuck in the misery that IF is.

So, after some talks, we went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult to see how to get the ball rolling on April 30th at 3 PM. I am looking forward to exploring my options.

In the meantime, I am reclaiming the joy my life used to have, and this weekend was the first good step.

BFFN.

I got the news yesterday that it is official: IUI # 1 was a FAIL. I was pretty upset, even though I had POAS the day before with the same results. I guess the back of my mind kept hoping I had just tested too early. I was so visibily distraught, my boss let me go home early. I really appreciated that.

I am going through with another IUI cycle w/ Follistim + Estrace + Ovidrel + Progesterone in the 2 WW. If we do not get pregnant this time, my RE wants to do a laparoscopy because he suspects I may have endo. Post-surgery, I am not sure what my plans are. I am seriously leaning towards a 6 month break from all things TTC. Most of my friends IRL are starting to try and lap me, and the pain has just gotten to be too much. I really want to reclaim my old life and just be me again.

For now, I am waiting on AF to show up. Onward we march, I suppose. One more try for a 2010 sweet child of mine....please keep me in your prayers, it's getting harder for me everyday.

Realization

If I don’t get pregnant by March, I will be looking at a 2011 baby.

Since my RE takes breaks between IUI cycles, February is my last shot at having a 2010 baby. No pressure there.

Somebody hold me and make me some creamy tomato soup, s’il vous plait.

Cream of the Crappy Day Crop: Part 1

Man, Monday was a shitty day for me. My mother and I got in a huge fight over something stupid. My mother and I have always been close, and she is privy to what I am going through now and it helps me to talk about how I feel and keep her in the loop.

I could tell going into this whole injectables thing that my mother did not approve. My mother TTC’ed for 3 months before getting pregnant with me, and has expressed disbelief that I am seeking ART and continues to try and stress me out over the possible side effects of the drugs I have had to take, as well as the risks of cancer associated with Clomid. All of which are things I knew and considered before moving forward with treatment, which I have told her many times. Still, my mother continues to focus on the risks and negative factors with undergoing fertility treatments. That in and of itself frustrates me, because what gives the right to anyone that has not gone through the same thing as me to judge my choices?

Anyways, I called my mother at work Monday morning, a little nervous about my CD 3 u/s and beginning injectables. Instead of receiving what I wanted, which was positive encouragement from my mother, my mother immediately jumps on my case because I did not go see my family medicine doctor first to get “cleared” to begin these treatments. I calmly told my mom that my RE and I, as well as my family medicine doctor, had discussed me moving forward and agreed that if I did not have signs of infection anymore (i.e. lovely green mucus and phlegm), I could go ahead and start my treatments. Well, I had an appointment with my family medicine doctor on Tuesday, but had carefully observed myself, and knew I no longer had signs of infection. Well, this was not good enough for my mother, who just kept going on and on, like a jackhammer, telling me I was making a mistake and telling me my desire to have a baby was clouding my judgment, and so on and so forth. Finally, I told her I didn’t have time for this and hung up.

I went to my RE appointment, and everything looked good, as I previously mentioned. Well, I had no intention of sharing this with my mother. It is not my job to seek her approval or validate my choices to her, so I didn’t e-mail or call her post- appt, like I normally do. A few hours go by, and my mom sends me an e-mail not apologizing, but rather, demanding that I stop being mad at her and wanting to know the details of my appointment.

At this point, I could have done what I normally do and given her the info, backed down and things would go back to the exact pattern they were that morning when I called. But instead, my heart told me to plea with her to be more positive. So I sent her an e-mail, asking for positive encouragement when I talk to her. I told her my RE had said to surround myself with people who uplifted me during this time, and right now, she was doing the exact opposite of uplifting me. I begged her to either be supportive of me, or step back from the situation.



She writes me back, and tells me curtly to consider her out of the loop, and that in her poor health; she doesn’t need my “temper tantrums.” I write her back and say that I do not agree with her assertion that my e-mail was a temper tantrum. Rather, it was a carefully worded plea for some mercy, kindness, understanding and support during this trying time. I told her I wouldn’t be contacting her unless she could apologize and agree to be more supportive of me and respect my choices.

Well, it’s now Wednesday, and I haven’t heard from my mother at all. It is hurtful, but right now, I just don’t have the time to deal with her. If it is more important to her to spout off her opinion and disapproval on everything, then I don’t need her to be a part of this process. I can promise you she will have limited access to any future children I may have- I do not think her approach is constructive, and her negative attitude has torn me down so many times in my life, that I don’t want my children to be inflicted with that.

So, part 1 of a crappy day. At least I don’t have to hear the nagging anymore. Bright side, jme, bright side.

I'm not dead yet

So, my sincere apologies for being away from the blog for a bit. I feel like my life has been a gigantic whirlwind since the ball dropped for 2010. I have been recovering from pneumonia and I was on the road with my boss all of last week, and frankly, it was a bit daunting to think of updating my blog, or any of the interwebs, for that matter. And updating jme’s world? Forgetaboudit.

AF finally showed her face last Friday, which I am eternally grateful for. I am *trying* to look at the positive side of everything this year, so on that day, I was thankful that with all the dysfunction and lack of cooperation from my body, I could at least still bring AF on naturally. Hey, it’s small, but since everything regarding my lady bits is so artificial and unnatural right now, I will take it.

Speaking of lady bits, that brings me to my new cycle. I went in this Monday for my CD 3 ultrasound, and was fortunately cyst free and cleared to begin injectables. I am so thankful to be putting Clomid and her nasty symptoms behind me.

After a class on the injectables, as well as watching a video with the same information with Mr. jme, you would think I would be prepared and ready to go. Quite the opposite. I was so nervous about screwing up my dosage or accidentally stabbing too deep and puncturing my liver, that I requested Mr. jme review all of my preparatory work and make sure I was doing it right. He still made me inject myself, which I am thankful for. I need to do this, for myself. The injections themselves have not been so bad, aside from the redness and bleeding that occurs at the injection site post shot.

I am still in a bit of shock that we are finally here. I want so badly to remain hopeful that Follistim with the combination of Ovidrel, IUI, and progesterone suppositories in the 2 WW will be the winning ticket for me, but hope is a dangerous thing for me these days. So is faith. I can’t tell you how many of my e-friends or the few family/friends who know what I am going through offer me the advice “At this point, all you have is faith.”

While I understand that they probably had the best of intentions with this advice, it is like salt in the wound for me, especially coming from those who have never experienced loss or are currently living out my dream of being pregnant.

You can ask my husband, my mother, anyone who knows me IRL- I had always been someone with faith that there was a plan for me and that God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. I was that go-to faith person for my friends and family. But that was before 2009.

I had faith a year ago that I would get pregnant with no problems. I think we all know how that turned out, considering the title of my blog. I had faith four months ago that when I did get a surprise BFP, that my baby would stick, and together, we would have a wonderful life. Again, here I am, with no baby, and this time, stripped of my faith and instead filled with a gaping void that I don’t know how to fill.

No matter what I do, I cannot regain my faith. I don’t care what anyone says, my faith betrayed me in ways I cannot easily look past. To tell you that I undoubtedly believe things will work out for me and I will carry a child to term would be a lie. There are no guarantees in this life- and don’t tell me that perhaps God has another plan for me and maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother. Maybe you’re right, but hearing those words again from someone else is enough to send me over the edge.

So, where does this leave me? Taking each day as it is, and trying to make it through the end of the day. It leaves me trying to regain my life from TTTC, by getting back to things I used to love, like spending time with friends, working out, and of course, being involved in my 2 Mardi Gras organizations. These activities help me see glimmers of the old me again, and that is progress, IMO. I am yet to do yoga this year, which is appalling and inexcusable. My next goal is to get back to going to at least 1 yoga class a week. Yoga has always been therapy for me, and I know I need it in my life.

Sorry for the hella long ramblings. I do have some more entries to write, but I appreciate anyone and everyone who made it through this and understands how I feel.

Do know that you are not alone, even if we don’t get what we want in the end.

"The fact remains- you wanted a baby yesterday."

I had a great meeting with my RE today. The title of this post is something he said to me, while telling me he relates to IF depression, as "everything we do to get you there has that cloud hanging over it, so when it is a failure, that cloud just takes a little piece of you with it."

After talking at length about my options, Mr. jme and I have decided we are going to be doing Follistim injections + IUI + progesterone in the 2 WW as our plan of attack. My RE says we will do one cycle on, one cycle off, to give my body rest. If I don't have a BFP after our second medicated cycle, then he will be performing a laproscopy to see if what issues I may have (i.e. endo, cysts) that may be preventing me from getting KTFU. We will try 2 more cycles post-lap, and if no BFP by then, it is on to IVF we go.

I really felt pumped and excited when we left this morning. However, while sitting in the car a few minutes ago, my eyes welled up with tears as I thought of the prospect of another 8 months of fertility treatments, the cost to us, and I thought of my angel baby. I would be close to finding out the sex of my baby if he or she was still with us. Just the thought of how close I got to my dream, and now the lengths I am going through to achieve it, just take my breath away sometimes.

Well, I am anxiously about to head to my injectables class from 2-4. Needles don't scare me- I just want to make sure I am doing it right. A lot of my shots I will have to administer myself b/c I will be on the road for my lovely job.

I'll update again when I get out of class. Toodles.

So....

So, got my beta on Monday. Surprise, Surprise. Big Fat Fucking Negative. FAIL.

I had a long chat with my nurse and explained to her I think it is lunacy that we are considering going up to 200 mg of Clomid. I told her about the mood swings and how I could barely find myself hiding in this monster lately. She went and had a chat with Dr. K, and Mr. jme and I are going in to see him tomorrow at 8 AM to discuss what's next. I want to move on to injectables, and more than likely will, but my RE has concerns for some reason that I may have endo. WTF? I thought endo was visible though u/s and HSG's, and he is considering doing a laproscopy on my before continuing treatment. At this point, I am not wanting to have a surgery just b/c there is a chance I have a mild case. I want my chance to try again now, damn it. I have conceived once before; surely that is a sign I can do it again with out an invasive procedure, right?

Sigh. Of course, I don't have the answers to my questions. Come tomorrow, I hoep that will change. Either way, my nurse signed me up for injectables class tomorrow from 2-4, so it looks like this will be my future in TTC, whether it is soon or a few months off post- op.

Please pray for this Bitter Betty. I will update y'all tomorrow. XO

Dear Facebook,

Dear Facebook,

While I am still very new to you and still green, riddle me this. Why is it that despite the 10,000 times I have clicked on a pregnancy or mommy related ad you have placed on my profile and put I wanted it gone b/c I found it 'offensive,' you STILL find it necessary to populate my sidebars with ads like 'Cutest Baby 2010 Contest' or 'Mommy? Get $10,000 now,' or my personal favorite, 'Join the Mommys Only Club!!'.

This must stop. I am trying to stay positive and I am not even sure how you, Facebook, know I am TTC. Obviously you didn't get the memo that the jme household is having a bit of trouble in that department. So, consider yourself notified, and enough with the baby shit already, m'kay?

I'm warning you,

jme

Ouch.

My left ovary has been hurting like a biatch for about 72 hours now.

I feel like I am going to pop, literally.

I have fears that a mighty cyst is a brewing in that general area.

That is all.

Cancelled cycle

Well, as most of you know already, I went in for my CD 12 check up Christmas Eve and had no follies above 10 mm. I had to go back in Monday on CD 16, and again, my follies were only around 12 mm on both sides. My trigger was cancelled. The RE said we could still try naturally, but there are no guarantees I will surge and O naturally, only the time and the P4 test next week will tell.

I'm not really surprised this happened. What does surprise me is my RE's determination to go forward with yet another Clomid cycle next month- at 150 mg to boot. Good Lord, I was an emotional TRAIN WRECK at 100 mg- will the small piece of my pre-TTC life that I still have intact completely be destroyed? Is the 100 mg from this cycle making me completely overreact to this news? Definitely.

I know I am by no means a medical professional, but to me, common sense tells you that if I am not responding to 100 mg, and responded poorly the cycle before to 50 mg, perhaps my body is not going to respond to 150 mg? When I asked the nurse to riddle me this yesterday, she kind of came back at me snarky and said, "Well, we will go all the way up to 200 mg before we will consider moving on to injectables. If you want to move on before that step, you will have to come in to Dr. K and explain your position to him."

Well, I'm not going to fucking do that. What basis do I have other than Clomid is making me a crazier person than I already was? (Their response: You were aware of the possible side effects of Clomid before beginning treatment) I don't think that will warrant a treatment change from him, and I don't care to be lectured on why he is the doctor and I am the infertile patient, YKWIM?

So, I guess for now, I have to trust in my doctor. I guess my problem is that with every appointment that comes and goes with more bad news stacking on top of the last, it is hard to ever see a positive end to this journey.

I am off work this week, thank God. Mr. jme and I are painting the master bedroom, our master bath, and the spare bath. Things are looking good so far, pics to come later.