Hee, hee. Not really, but today certainly felt like a remedial course in all thing injections and IF that I know. Today, Mr. JME and I attended our Embryology and Injections class. All went well, and I already knew everything about injections, except for the mixing of the Menopur and Novarel. I was relieved to learn that I will not have to do any PIO shots when the time finally comes for my transfer next summer!! (PHEW) Instead, Crinone suppositories will be the M.O. for the 2WW, 2x daily.
I have been on BCP since the 26th, and will begin my Lupron injections on the 17th of this month. The embryologist was very cool, a New Orleans lady with a blunt sense of humor. She told us straight up that there is a big chance that I may not produce enough eggs to split with my recipient, and will have to give all of my eggs this go around to her and do another fresh cycle myself some time in the future. Really, I am more than okay with this. My recipient gets her shot at being pregnant ASAP, and I get to have a new cycle for virtualyl free at my choosing down the road. My Embryologist told me frankly, this might be the best outcome to hope for. I will be happy with whatever path God intends for me to be on, truthfully.
The only possible hiccup down the road now is on my recipient's side. My donor IVF nurse, D, told me that my recipiet's bloodwork came back borderline diabetic, and she is having to see a specialist right now in an effort to get her blood work to an acceptable level to proceed by the 17th. Her specialist felt this could be accomplished, but if for some reason it does not, the whole cycle is off. That leaves much in the balance, but my nurse told me to focus on today and tomorrow, and no further in the future than that. Will do!
So, yes I have been totally MIA, and for that, my ultra super emphatic apologies...again. Here's the skinny on me as of late...
-Last time we left jme, I was bowled over in pain post lap, asking for the strongest narcotic to get my nausea and just mere existence to be a blip of my unconscience. Well, turns out that I was allergic to Loritab. Who'd a thunk it, huh? So, after a switch to Darvocet, I was back to my usual self.
-At my baseline u/s post lap, everything looked beautiful, so after some convincing from Mr. jme, I decided to give one try at Follistim + IUI + Progesterone post lap. Things went well, and within 10 days, I had 5 MATURE FOLLICLES. I couldn't believe it! It was time to trigger Friday, and not once, but twice, did my RE and nurses give me the "You're at high risk for multiples" speech. It was a tad scary. but I am ready!
We triggered Friday, and on Saturday, 32 million sperm at 89% motility was inserted in my ute to attack those 5 eggs. Now, all prayers and wishes that at least one of those bad boys will fertilize and stick.
I feel more hopeful than ever. Why? Because, A. I feel with my lap being a success (4 endometrioma removed, all clear), my 5 eggs and "perfect bloodwork," per my RE, I have never had nor may I ever have a better shot at getting pregnant. I am excited at the prospect that if this cycle works, my due date would be Christmas Day. But, most importantly, I am hopeful because if this cycle doesn't work, I have plans for my life until I can try again January/February 2011. I have gotten some calls from recruiters with different career opportunities, so if I am not pregnant, I plan on taking control of that job I loathe so much and getting something else that can make my life a bit more cheerful. So, either way, I'm good and I have a plan.
So, nothing to do now, but sit and wait.....Beta # 1 is April 16th at 7:45 AM CST....
So, my sincere apologies for being away from the blog for a bit. I feel like my life has been a gigantic whirlwind since the ball dropped for 2010. I have been recovering from pneumonia and I was on the road with my boss all of last week, and frankly, it was a bit daunting to think of updating my blog, or any of the interwebs, for that matter. And updating jme’s world? Forgetaboudit.
AF finally showed her face last Friday, which I am eternally grateful for. I am *trying* to look at the positive side of everything this year, so on that day, I was thankful that with all the dysfunction and lack of cooperation from my body, I could at least still bring AF on naturally. Hey, it’s small, but since everything regarding my lady bits is so artificial and unnatural right now, I will take it.
Speaking of lady bits, that brings me to my new cycle. I went in this Monday for my CD 3 ultrasound, and was fortunately cyst free and cleared to begin injectables. I am so thankful to be putting Clomid and her nasty symptoms behind me.
After a class on the injectables, as well as watching a video with the same information with Mr. jme, you would think I would be prepared and ready to go. Quite the opposite. I was so nervous about screwing up my dosage or accidentally stabbing too deep and puncturing my liver, that I requested Mr. jme review all of my preparatory work and make sure I was doing it right. He still made me inject myself, which I am thankful for. I need to do this, for myself. The injections themselves have not been so bad, aside from the redness and bleeding that occurs at the injection site post shot.
I am still in a bit of shock that we are finally here. I want so badly to remain hopeful that Follistim with the combination of Ovidrel, IUI, and progesterone suppositories in the 2 WW will be the winning ticket for me, but hope is a dangerous thing for me these days. So is faith. I can’t tell you how many of my e-friends or the few family/friends who know what I am going through offer me the advice “At this point, all you have is faith.”
While I understand that they probably had the best of intentions with this advice, it is like salt in the wound for me, especially coming from those who have never experienced loss or are currently living out my dream of being pregnant.
You can ask my husband, my mother, anyone who knows me IRL- I had always been someone with faith that there was a plan for me and that God wouldn’t give me more than I could handle. I was that go-to faith person for my friends and family. But that was before 2009.
I had faith a year ago that I would get pregnant with no problems. I think we all know how that turned out, considering the title of my blog. I had faith four months ago that when I did get a surprise BFP, that my baby would stick, and together, we would have a wonderful life. Again, here I am, with no baby, and this time, stripped of my faith and instead filled with a gaping void that I don’t know how to fill.
No matter what I do, I cannot regain my faith. I don’t care what anyone says, my faith betrayed me in ways I cannot easily look past. To tell you that I undoubtedly believe things will work out for me and I will carry a child to term would be a lie. There are no guarantees in this life- and don’t tell me that perhaps God has another plan for me and maybe I wasn’t meant to be a mother. Maybe you’re right, but hearing those words again from someone else is enough to send me over the edge.
So, where does this leave me? Taking each day as it is, and trying to make it through the end of the day. It leaves me trying to regain my life from TTTC, by getting back to things I used to love, like spending time with friends, working out, and of course, being involved in my 2 Mardi Gras organizations. These activities help me see glimmers of the old me again, and that is progress, IMO. I am yet to do yoga this year, which is appalling and inexcusable. My next goal is to get back to going to at least 1 yoga class a week. Yoga has always been therapy for me, and I know I need it in my life.
Sorry for the hella long ramblings. I do have some more entries to write, but I appreciate anyone and everyone who made it through this and understands how I feel.
Do know that you are not alone, even if we don’t get what we want in the end.
I had a great meeting with my RE today. The title of this post is something he said to me, while telling me he relates to IF depression, as "everything we do to get you there has that cloud hanging over it, so when it is a failure, that cloud just takes a little piece of you with it."
After talking at length about my options, Mr. jme and I have decided we are going to be doing Follistim injections + IUI + progesterone in the 2 WW as our plan of attack. My RE says we will do one cycle on, one cycle off, to give my body rest. If I don't have a BFP after our second medicated cycle, then he will be performing a laproscopy to see if what issues I may have (i.e. endo, cysts) that may be preventing me from getting KTFU. We will try 2 more cycles post-lap, and if no BFP by then, it is on to IVF we go.
I really felt pumped and excited when we left this morning. However, while sitting in the car a few minutes ago, my eyes welled up with tears as I thought of the prospect of another 8 months of fertility treatments, the cost to us, and I thought of my angel baby. I would be close to finding out the sex of my baby if he or she was still with us. Just the thought of how close I got to my dream, and now the lengths I am going through to achieve it, just take my breath away sometimes.
Well, I am anxiously about to head to my injectables class from 2-4. Needles don't scare me- I just want to make sure I am doing it right. A lot of my shots I will have to administer myself b/c I will be on the road for my lovely job.
I'll update again when I get out of class. Toodles.
So, got my beta on Monday. Surprise, Surprise. Big Fat Fucking Negative. FAIL.
I had a long chat with my nurse and explained to her I think it is lunacy that we are considering going up to 200 mg of Clomid. I told her about the mood swings and how I could barely find myself hiding in this monster lately. She went and had a chat with Dr. K, and Mr. jme and I are going in to see him tomorrow at 8 AM to discuss what's next. I want to move on to injectables, and more than likely will, but my RE has concerns for some reason that I may have endo. WTF? I thought endo was visible though u/s and HSG's, and he is considering doing a laproscopy on my before continuing treatment. At this point, I am not wanting to have a surgery just b/c there is a chance I have a mild case. I want my chance to try again now, damn it. I have conceived once before; surely that is a sign I can do it again with out an invasive procedure, right?
Sigh. Of course, I don't have the answers to my questions. Come tomorrow, I hoep that will change. Either way, my nurse signed me up for injectables class tomorrow from 2-4, so it looks like this will be my future in TTC, whether it is soon or a few months off post- op.
Please pray for this Bitter Betty. I will update y'all tomorrow. XO
