Empty

Last night, I got home from work and went on a 2 mile run. I just had to try and clear my mind. On my run, I thought of everything we've been through and every up and down thus far in our IF journey. I thought about God, and what His plan is for us, whatever that may be. I thought of Mr. jme- how disappointed he must be, to have just had his 32nd birthday, with no prospect of a child of his own to love anytime soon.

I felt so much better after the run. It was a release. I saw that Mr. jme's car was home when I got there. He must have needed to clear his mind too, because when I walked in, he was on the treadmill. I asked him how he was feeling about the failed recipient match. He kind of shrugged, and told me he felt like it must have not been the right situation for us, and that this was probably best, since the added stress of IVF injections might be too much for me starting a new job. He promised me he was not upset, and that we would move forward from this, and try to enjoy our 2nd round of a break.

I went around the house last night and scooped up all the paperwork, the antibiotics and valium for my egg retrieval that will not be. I opened the fridge and hid the injectables so they wouldn't be staring me in the face everytime I opened it up for a snack. I blew the dust off a gift box that Mr. jme had given me last year with my first BFP. Inside was a beautiful baby jacquard throw, with a baby New Orleans Saint and a black and gold football field in the background. It said "Our Little Saint" on the edge. I folded the throw quickly and placed it in the drawer with all other things baby. I just don't want to look at those things right now. Another time.

While I do feel some relief that my first few weeks of my new career will be less stressful, I still feel not only a great emptiness inside me of what might have been, but also a disappointment in the events and a feeling that I've let down my husband.

It's over

D, my IVF nurse called me. I thought it was weird she called in response to an e-mail I sent her about what to do about BCP since my last pill was today.

She told me that the recipient had backed out. Apparently, the recipient came in for her embroyology and injections class, and freaked the fuck out. She lives a few hours away from here, and she couldn't handle the time committment. WTF did she think IVF was? Waving a magic wand and hoping all was good on the day of ET? My IVF nurse thinks she either didn't have the $$ since deposit time was coming up, or that she did not follow her doctor's orders and diet to get her out of the pre-diabetic category by baseline. Or maybe both.

Frankly, I do know this is for the best. If someone cannot handle the time to do IVF and can't even follow a diet long enough to make baseline, what does that say about their committment to this? Not a lot, IMO.

My nurse said that I could just go on inactive right now, since I am starting this new job, and become reactive as a donor when I am ready, which will probably be late next summer/early fall. I do feel a bit relieved, but also a disappointed. It seems like there is always an obstacle for me to achieving my dreams of being pregnant.

I just have to trust in God's plan and know this recipient was not the right one for me, and that next year, God will provide me with someone who is ready at the same time as me.

I plan on still blogging, and hopefully getting back into the swing of things this time next year!

Sick to my stomach

Ok, so last I wrote, I had a huge dilemna. I was offered my dream job, and it starts around the time I would be stimming for IVF. I was freaking out yesterday, but decided to not contact my IVF nurse till I could speak with my husband.

He had a very interesting idea. Since this is a federal job, the first year is a trial period, at which any given point, you can be fired for any reason. So, our fear is that if I am visibly pregnant before my year end review next September, I will be fired. But, here's his brilliant idea: since I do NOT want to disappoint my recipient or make her wait any longer to achieve her dreams, what if I could do my stims and the ER, divide the eggs in half (if I have more than 8. If less than 8, she gets them all anyways), and once mine are fertilized, freeze them and do an FET in the summer?

Sure, that means I won't have a fresh cycle, but it seems many of my fellow Bumpies are having better luck with FET's than their fresh IVF cycles. Plus, then I could do my FET in June or July of 2011, and if it takes, still not be visibly pregnant in late September for my year end review. Once that year mark hits, I will be vested and cannot be fired because I am pregnant.

Worst case scenario? I only produce 8 eggs or less, and then my recipient gets them all. But, this is not a 'worst case scenario,' because if this happens, then I get an entirely free new IVF cycle of my own, with no donation, since I donated everything the previous round.

I sent an e-mail to my IVF nurse letting her know I needed to talk to her. I am sick to my stomach waiting for the call.

Please keep me in your prayers that 1) This scenario can work and 2) if it doesn't, I will get another opportunity that will still allow me to take this job, which is the best thing financially for my family.

One call changed it all.

So, this morning, shortly after writing my bit on caffeine, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.

Let's flash back a bit, shall we? My major in college was political science, with a minor in public administration. I was supposed to work for the government out of college, but life had other plans for me. I have worked in sales and customer service for 7 years, with no luck in getting a government position, despite too many interviews to mention. In April of this year, I had my most recent interview with the U.S. Department of Education for a wonderful job with great benefits, even better holidays and lifetime teacher's pension. It was the perfect position, and though I felt it was a long shot, I went into the interview and gave it my best shot.
Obviously, since that was April and this is now August, I thought they had chosen someone else and had found closure with it.

So, flash forward back to this morning. I answer the phone, and it is the Director that I interviewed with in April. She apologized about the delay, citing a big ball of red tape, but said she was pleased to offer me the position and was I still interested? I almost dropped the phone. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. This would be the most I have ever made at any position I had been in, and was truly the career I went to school for. I happily agreed to take the job. I report to work on September 30th at 8 AM, and was told to prepare to fill out a mountain of paperwork, LOL.

Shortly after a frenzy of joy, shock and disbelief, it hit me. Shit, I am supposed to start Lupron on the 17th of September. This puts me right in the middle of my IVF when I am starting a new career.

::Insert panic attack::

I am at a loss of God's timing, but I don't know what to do. I ask my girls on the Bump, I ask my husband ,I mull it over in my head for several hours. Here's my thinking:

1. There is no way I can do my first ever IVF cycle and start a new job successfully at the same time.

2. This position has the first year as a trial period, where they can fire me for any reason they'd like at any time within that year. What happens if I go through this and they discover I'm pregnant (IF I get pregnant) before the year's end? They will fire me! What if I wait a few months?

3. I have to wait to do this long enough so that I will not be conspicuously pregnant at my year end review.

4. This sucks ass for my recipient.

I am feeling overwhelmed with disappointment, still shock, and major guilt. Though I haven't signed anything, I am letting down my recipient in a big way. Will she be willing to wait for me? Probably not, and I can't blame her. Also, I am afraid that by having to back out of this, it may ruin my chances of being a donor later on for someone else. It would break my heart to think that because I have this opportunity I need to take, my RE's office would not want to work with me again. This could ruin my chance to do IVF later down the road.

My heart is broken, but financially, taking this position is the right move for my family. Especially considering that I have IVF and possibly adoption in my future.

I am feeling a lot of emotions right now, but mr. jme and I are going to talk about it on the ride to Gulf Shores (we are eating dinner with his Washington DC relatives in town) and come to an agreement.

Ugh.

Confuzzled

So, this morning, I called my RE's office and left a voicemail for the IVF Donor nurse. I am a bit concerned that I haven't heard from her since she called to tell me a recipient had chosen my profile.

I am very worried that my insurance will not cover my IVF b/c my RE put me on BCP between IUI cycle this past spring. They told me that even with a letter, they still do not have to approve it. I am hoping that my RE's office has already gone ahead to send the letter, since the insurance needs it at least 60 days prior to the scheduled date of procedure.

I am also feeling a bit in the dark about what I should be doing right now, if anything. When am I supposed to start BCP? AF should be here by 8/18, and I feel like as the date approaches, I need to be up to speed on these things. I am worried that I need to have my blood tests done ASAP, but no one has told me anything.



The closer we get to the impending date, the more questions I have, and I feel like my IVF nurse has not really kept me in the loop.

We'll see what she says when (more like if) she calls me back today.