Empty

Last night, I got home from work and went on a 2 mile run. I just had to try and clear my mind. On my run, I thought of everything we've been through and every up and down thus far in our IF journey. I thought about God, and what His plan is for us, whatever that may be. I thought of Mr. jme- how disappointed he must be, to have just had his 32nd birthday, with no prospect of a child of his own to love anytime soon.

I felt so much better after the run. It was a release. I saw that Mr. jme's car was home when I got there. He must have needed to clear his mind too, because when I walked in, he was on the treadmill. I asked him how he was feeling about the failed recipient match. He kind of shrugged, and told me he felt like it must have not been the right situation for us, and that this was probably best, since the added stress of IVF injections might be too much for me starting a new job. He promised me he was not upset, and that we would move forward from this, and try to enjoy our 2nd round of a break.

I went around the house last night and scooped up all the paperwork, the antibiotics and valium for my egg retrieval that will not be. I opened the fridge and hid the injectables so they wouldn't be staring me in the face everytime I opened it up for a snack. I blew the dust off a gift box that Mr. jme had given me last year with my first BFP. Inside was a beautiful baby jacquard throw, with a baby New Orleans Saint and a black and gold football field in the background. It said "Our Little Saint" on the edge. I folded the throw quickly and placed it in the drawer with all other things baby. I just don't want to look at those things right now. Another time.

While I do feel some relief that my first few weeks of my new career will be less stressful, I still feel not only a great emptiness inside me of what might have been, but also a disappointment in the events and a feeling that I've let down my husband.

My Dark Passenger called Shotgun.....again.

Remember how in this post, I declared myself a new woman, and vowed to shrug off any nagging feelings of bitterness, inadequacy and jealousy towards others who are more fortunate and fertile than me?

I was doing great. No, really, I was. I was feeling happiness for my Trouble TTC friends who got their long awaited BFP's (still do, this is not about them). I was even able to smile at the babies I passed in the grocery store.

Then, my phone rang last week. It was my best friend, EJ.

Side note: EJ and I have been friends for 22 years. That's a whole slutty college student who can drink, y'all. We grew up together, and year after year, played house with our Barbies and N.K.O.T.B. dolls, planning weddings, babies and all the other events life held in store for us. We would chatter away about the day when each of us got married, and we got to stand at the altar as a bridesmaid for the other. We dreamed of the day when we would get pregnant around the same time, and our kids would grow up together, and have the same stellar friendship we had. Ah, it was beautiful.

We grew up, and sure enough, I got engaged first. EJ was there to hold my train and my bouquet, throw me a shower and throw petals as Mr. jme and I got into that limo all those years ago. Likewise, 2 years later, EJ got married to her old childhood sweetheart, and I returned the favors. Life was good.

Then, Mr. jme and I started to TTC. I thought to myself, I'll be pregnant by Christmas, and EJ and I can go shopping for baby clothes together, etc, etc. Christmas came, and with it came a darkness over me from my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage. I hated everything and everyone, as most of you know. EJ couldn't be there for me, mainly because I had not told anyone about our issues at that point.

Flash forward to May of this year. EJ and I also share birthdays 14 days apart, so we had a combined girl's weekend at a spa to celebrate the occasion. The two of us split off from the rest of the group and got a mani/pedi. EJ was talking about future plans (her husband is still an undergrad and she is the sole breadwinner with a menial clerk job), and she mentions they will begin TTC.

I lost it. At that point, I told her everything. The good (not much of that), the bad, and the ugly. She was shocked. She said she was so sorry for me. She tried to give me every cliche comfort I have gotten, and I graciously accepted. She told me she thought it would take awhile for them, because of past female issues she had. I kind of side eyed that statement- no one can just guess something like that.

End side note. It you made it this far, I owe you a beer.

So the phone rang, and I picked up. It was EJ.

EJ: "Hey JME!"

JME: "Hey EJ, what's up?"

EJ: "Remember that thing we talked about in May?"

JME: (heart sinks to floor) "Yeah?"

EJ: "I'm pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I felt crushed. I felt shock and anger. How could this twit be knocked up after a mere 2-3 months of trying? WTMFF???????????????????

It was back. My Dark Passenger, that is. My infertility, ready to take me hostage again. A moment that EJ and I had planned our whole lives, a moment that was supposed to be joyous for both of us, fell far short from that. It was because of me.

My Dark Passenger tries to justify my bitterness by saying. "Well, the way she told you was cruel. She knew you talked about your m/c and IUI's and IVF's that day- how could she be so flippant?" I know my IF is probably the last thing on her mind. She doesn't know what this feels like. She can't possibly understand how bad it killed me.

She can't possibly understand how disgusted with myself I am that I am resolved to avoid her as much as possible now.

My mother has been trying to help, key word TRYING. She tells me, "Well, EJ is already huge at 12 weeks, and you know EJ and Mr. EJ have no money since he is still in school, and how could they be so stupid as to let this happen??" But, again, she doesn't understand either.

So, here I am, being ruled by my Dark Passenger. I have hid EJ off my Facebook newsfeed, as her posts everyday are pregnancy related, complaining about the weight gain, nausea, etc, etc. I just can't take it. Nevermind I have my own plan to become a mother, and it WILL happen for me one day, in one shape or form.

It still just hurts, and I once again feel that everyone is leaving me behind. Less and less of my friends understand or can even pretend to understand.

And now, I have to see her in 2 weeks, and I don't know how to handle it. Especially considering I will be 110% nutso on Lupron by this point.

For my IF readers: How have you dealt with situations like this? What kind of advice would you give besides avoidance?

Back to Basic Bitter.

So, for my Bump chicas....yep, it was a BFFN.

I was a complete wreck Friday. I POAS around 2:30 AM, and could not go to sleep after knowing the truth. I cried like a newborn at the RE's office for my Beta. I cried again at work when my RE personally called me to tell me it was officially a BFN. I cried as I packed up my clothes and toiletries to hit Destin, Florida for the weekend. I wish I had been in the mood to take some pictures, because I would have posted them here.

When my RE called though, he told me that he felt that IVF was my best shot at getting pregnant. I very quickly pointed out to him that my insurance did not cover IVF, leaving me out in the cold for further treatments. He said, "You are covered." I said, "No, I'm not." He said, "I believe you are." And this exchange went back and forth for a few more seconds. I asked him to get his insurance specialist to try and confirm this.

The insurance specialist called and told me that she was not able to get a human being on the phone, but as of December 2009, I got a $5K maximum IF spend, which I have probably already spent at least $1,000 of with the 2 IUI's, as well as a $10,000 OOP maximum that we are looking into using as well. Mr. jme and I have always been in agreement that if it were to come to IVF for us to get pregnant, we would donate my eggs for another couple who are in great need of a BFP too. Not only does this cut the cost of our IVF significantly, but it gives us the joy of helping someone else stuck in the misery that IF is.

So, after some talks, we went ahead and scheduled an IVF consult to see how to get the ball rolling on April 30th at 3 PM. I am looking forward to exploring my options.

In the meantime, I am reclaiming the joy my life used to have, and this weekend was the first good step.

Day 1 back to work = FAIL

Yeah, so my first day back to work proved to be a bit too much for me. When I got there this morning, I started to feel extremely nauseated, to the point I was about to throw up harder than a 13 year old at his bar mitzvah. I also felt feverish, and my surgery wounds were more tender than they had been previously. I soldiered through till noon, but then I decided to cache out.

I came home and slept from 12:45- 3:00, and I got up long enough to unload and reload the dishwasher. See, I'm *trying* to be productive....

I hope I am feeling better tomorrow. I cannot miss anymore time from this stupid surgery.

BFFN.

I got the news yesterday that it is official: IUI # 1 was a FAIL. I was pretty upset, even though I had POAS the day before with the same results. I guess the back of my mind kept hoping I had just tested too early. I was so visibily distraught, my boss let me go home early. I really appreciated that.

I am going through with another IUI cycle w/ Follistim + Estrace + Ovidrel + Progesterone in the 2 WW. If we do not get pregnant this time, my RE wants to do a laparoscopy because he suspects I may have endo. Post-surgery, I am not sure what my plans are. I am seriously leaning towards a 6 month break from all things TTC. Most of my friends IRL are starting to try and lap me, and the pain has just gotten to be too much. I really want to reclaim my old life and just be me again.

For now, I am waiting on AF to show up. Onward we march, I suppose. One more try for a 2010 sweet child of mine....please keep me in your prayers, it's getting harder for me everyday.

So....

So, got my beta on Monday. Surprise, Surprise. Big Fat Fucking Negative. FAIL.

I had a long chat with my nurse and explained to her I think it is lunacy that we are considering going up to 200 mg of Clomid. I told her about the mood swings and how I could barely find myself hiding in this monster lately. She went and had a chat with Dr. K, and Mr. jme and I are going in to see him tomorrow at 8 AM to discuss what's next. I want to move on to injectables, and more than likely will, but my RE has concerns for some reason that I may have endo. WTF? I thought endo was visible though u/s and HSG's, and he is considering doing a laproscopy on my before continuing treatment. At this point, I am not wanting to have a surgery just b/c there is a chance I have a mild case. I want my chance to try again now, damn it. I have conceived once before; surely that is a sign I can do it again with out an invasive procedure, right?

Sigh. Of course, I don't have the answers to my questions. Come tomorrow, I hoep that will change. Either way, my nurse signed me up for injectables class tomorrow from 2-4, so it looks like this will be my future in TTC, whether it is soon or a few months off post- op.

Please pray for this Bitter Betty. I will update y'all tomorrow. XO