So, I have been MIA for the entire summer, and while I am sorry to leave everyone for that time, the break was self-imposed and much needed. The pain and sorrow I felt after my last BFN was compunded by grief from my c/p that I had not fully dealt with, as well as a job I was miserable at.
First off, I ditched the crappy job, and got a job with zero travel and much less pressure. What a relief it has been! I feel like I can breathe again. I am an office manager for a company in the horticulture industry, and I like it.
Second, Mr. jme and I took a mandatory break from all things T-TTC and baby. I enrolled in a Boot Camp Class with some friends, and really started focusing on getting in shape. I am not anywhere near finished, but I feel like I can tell a difference in how I look and feel! I have found peace in taking 2-3 mile walks around my neighborhood.
Third, I have partied like it's 1999. I have been going to wine tastings, I have had pool parties at my house,
I have gone to the beach,
I've drank so much I ended up singing karaoke with my dad!!
Lots of good times were had, and for the first time since my c/p last September, I can honestly say I feel I have turned a corner emotionally. I feel healed, renewed, like my old self pre any TTC. Hence, the new title, which references the Phoenix, a mighty mythical bird that falls to a mighty fire, only to rise from the ashes, renewed and reborn.
After this much needed break, Mr. jme and I are ready to get back on the path to creating our family. But things have changed. Over the summer, we were matched with a recipient for a donor IVF cycle. I am thrilled about it, but also terrified. While I have dealt with the feelings of "I can't believe it has come to this," I have appropriately grieved over the turn of events, and feel ready for the results of this IVF, good or bad. If it is a BFN, I am ready to close the door on my own birthchildren.
There are some question marks out there though that make the IVF not necessarily a go. What, you ask? My insurance. Yes, my insurance does cover 1 IVF cycle- but the stipulation is that you must have been off BCP for over a year. For those who have been following for awhile, you might remember my doctor put me on BCP after my first IUI cycle due to a cyst. Well, according to my insurance, this might be grounds for them to deny me coverage. My RE has told me he will write a letter to my insurance explaining why it was medically necessary for me to be put on BCP, but there is no guarantee that they will approve me, even with a letter. I feel a bit in limbo, because I have not heard from my doctor since I was told that a recipient had chosen me as their donor. The old jme would be on pins and needles, and there would be gnashing of teeth day and night over this. But not now.
Mr. jme and I have long known that at least one, if not two or three, of our future children would come to be ours through adoption. Adoption has been in my heart for a long time, and lately, I have felt even more drawn to the idea than ever. Specifically, my heart feels drawn to a transracial adoption. I have been lurking on the Adoption Board on the Bump, reading Adoption for Dummies, and speaking with a friend of mine, who is an adoption social worker. She has answered many of the questions and eliminated many of the fears I have had about adoption. Even if the IVF is a go, we will begin our home study at the beginning of the new year.
So, I feel a peace about however the dice falls. Even if I get to do IVF and it is a BFN, I am okay with that, because we will be expanding our family in the future, one way or another, hopefully both though.
So, I guess I am back, so to speak. But a jme my followers have known in the past is no more....I am back, with hope renewed, and I am looking forward to what the future holds.
Thank you all for your love and support.
No comments:
Post a Comment