One call changed it all.

So, this morning, shortly after writing my bit on caffeine, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize.

Let's flash back a bit, shall we? My major in college was political science, with a minor in public administration. I was supposed to work for the government out of college, but life had other plans for me. I have worked in sales and customer service for 7 years, with no luck in getting a government position, despite too many interviews to mention. In April of this year, I had my most recent interview with the U.S. Department of Education for a wonderful job with great benefits, even better holidays and lifetime teacher's pension. It was the perfect position, and though I felt it was a long shot, I went into the interview and gave it my best shot.
Obviously, since that was April and this is now August, I thought they had chosen someone else and had found closure with it.

So, flash forward back to this morning. I answer the phone, and it is the Director that I interviewed with in April. She apologized about the delay, citing a big ball of red tape, but said she was pleased to offer me the position and was I still interested? I almost dropped the phone. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. This would be the most I have ever made at any position I had been in, and was truly the career I went to school for. I happily agreed to take the job. I report to work on September 30th at 8 AM, and was told to prepare to fill out a mountain of paperwork, LOL.

Shortly after a frenzy of joy, shock and disbelief, it hit me. Shit, I am supposed to start Lupron on the 17th of September. This puts me right in the middle of my IVF when I am starting a new career.

::Insert panic attack::

I am at a loss of God's timing, but I don't know what to do. I ask my girls on the Bump, I ask my husband ,I mull it over in my head for several hours. Here's my thinking:

1. There is no way I can do my first ever IVF cycle and start a new job successfully at the same time.

2. This position has the first year as a trial period, where they can fire me for any reason they'd like at any time within that year. What happens if I go through this and they discover I'm pregnant (IF I get pregnant) before the year's end? They will fire me! What if I wait a few months?

3. I have to wait to do this long enough so that I will not be conspicuously pregnant at my year end review.

4. This sucks ass for my recipient.

I am feeling overwhelmed with disappointment, still shock, and major guilt. Though I haven't signed anything, I am letting down my recipient in a big way. Will she be willing to wait for me? Probably not, and I can't blame her. Also, I am afraid that by having to back out of this, it may ruin my chances of being a donor later on for someone else. It would break my heart to think that because I have this opportunity I need to take, my RE's office would not want to work with me again. This could ruin my chance to do IVF later down the road.

My heart is broken, but financially, taking this position is the right move for my family. Especially considering that I have IVF and possibly adoption in my future.

I am feeling a lot of emotions right now, but mr. jme and I are going to talk about it on the ride to Gulf Shores (we are eating dinner with his Washington DC relatives in town) and come to an agreement.

Ugh.

Goodbye, old friends

In preparation for my upcoming IVF cycle, I am once again quitting two vices I hold dear to my heart:



Yes, one of the luxuries I allotted myself in my time off was developing a nasty habit of drinking a cup of coffee in the morning, and going to a wine tasting with some friends of mine every Wednesday night at our local wine bar. Granted, I wasn't getting totally wired in the morning, and I wasn't getting sloshed at night (most of the time). I am also a bit concerned about the protein bar I eat in the morning containing chocolate. I might be going a bit overboard, but maybe I'm not.

I want to be totally and completely committed to doing everything in my power to make this work, since this is the only IVF cycle I will be able to do, aside from a FET (if we have enough embryos left) and that means nixing both of these bad habits.

You know, between 2004-2006, I went without any caffeine. Looking back on that time, I ask myself, how the hell did I do that? How did I have so much discipline in my early twenties, and none now?

So, I am totally open to suggestions on how to overcome this. So, lovely readers, if you have tips on how to beat the caffeine and hooch beast, I am all ears.

Until then, I am going to try to use the "eyes on the prize mentality."

For realz

My nurse called back. She is calling in my BCP now, but I will not start until August 26th. I will take the whole pack, with the exception of the white pills the last week, and will move straight into a new pack, completely bypassing another AF.

My first Lupron injection is scheduled for September 17th. SQUEE!!!!!!!

She told me she sent a packet with a to-do list of tests and things that need to be done, so I know I will be a busy girl.

I could be pregnant by Halloween. Holy schniekies!!!

I have waited so long to be mentally prepared for this step, and now I am, and the moment is upon us, and I can hardly wait to get there!!!!

She's here....

AF decided to give me a gift by showing up a day early! I am seriously thrilled! Now, I get to call my nurse and get the ball rolling on BCP!!


2 months until IVF # 1!! Squee!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, that was easy.

I just heard back from D, the Donor IVF nurse. Wow, that was easy!



She told me that she did send the letter for exception to my insurance in June (sigh of relief there!), and that she is sending me a packet in the mail of a timeline checklist of things to attend to. One of these items is their insurance coordinator getting a pre-certification from my insurance. Hopefully, this will come in soon.

As for BCP, I am supposed to call D back on my first red flow day to get instructions on when to start BCP.

I am starting to get excited here! Please pray that my insurance covers me!

Confuzzled

So, this morning, I called my RE's office and left a voicemail for the IVF Donor nurse. I am a bit concerned that I haven't heard from her since she called to tell me a recipient had chosen my profile.

I am very worried that my insurance will not cover my IVF b/c my RE put me on BCP between IUI cycle this past spring. They told me that even with a letter, they still do not have to approve it. I am hoping that my RE's office has already gone ahead to send the letter, since the insurance needs it at least 60 days prior to the scheduled date of procedure.

I am also feeling a bit in the dark about what I should be doing right now, if anything. When am I supposed to start BCP? AF should be here by 8/18, and I feel like as the date approaches, I need to be up to speed on these things. I am worried that I need to have my blood tests done ASAP, but no one has told me anything.



The closer we get to the impending date, the more questions I have, and I feel like my IVF nurse has not really kept me in the loop.

We'll see what she says when (more like if) she calls me back today.

It's been awhile....

Hello out there.

So, I have been MIA for the entire summer, and while I am sorry to leave everyone for that time, the break was self-imposed and much needed. The pain and sorrow I felt after my last BFN was compunded by grief from my c/p that I had not fully dealt with, as well as a job I was miserable at.

First off, I ditched the crappy job, and got a job with zero travel and much less pressure. What a relief it has been! I feel like I can breathe again. I am an office manager for a company in the horticulture industry, and I like it.

Second, Mr. jme and I took a mandatory break from all things T-TTC and baby. I enrolled in a Boot Camp Class with some friends, and really started focusing on getting in shape. I am not anywhere near finished, but I feel like I can tell a difference in how I look and feel! I have found peace in taking 2-3 mile walks around my neighborhood.

Third, I have partied like it's 1999. I have been going to wine tastings, I have had pool parties at my house,

I have gone to the beach,




I've drank so much I ended up singing karaoke with my dad!!



Lots of good times were had, and for the first time since my c/p last September, I can honestly say I feel I have turned a corner emotionally. I feel healed, renewed, like my old self pre any TTC. Hence, the new title, which references the Phoenix, a mighty mythical bird that falls to a mighty fire, only to rise from the ashes, renewed and reborn.

After this much needed break, Mr. jme and I are ready to get back on the path to creating our family. But things have changed. Over the summer, we were matched with a recipient for a donor IVF cycle. I am thrilled about it, but also terrified. While I have dealt with the feelings of "I can't believe it has come to this," I have appropriately grieved over the turn of events, and feel ready for the results of this IVF, good or bad. If it is a BFN, I am ready to close the door on my own birthchildren.

There are some question marks out there though that make the IVF not necessarily a go. What, you ask? My insurance. Yes, my insurance does cover 1 IVF cycle- but the stipulation is that you must have been off BCP for over a year. For those who have been following for awhile, you might remember my doctor put me on BCP after my first IUI cycle due to a cyst. Well, according to my insurance, this might be grounds for them to deny me coverage. My RE has told me he will write a letter to my insurance explaining why it was medically necessary for me to be put on BCP, but there is no guarantee that they will approve me, even with a letter. I feel a bit in limbo, because I have not heard from my doctor since I was told that a recipient had chosen me as their donor. The old jme would be on pins and needles, and there would be gnashing of teeth day and night over this. But not now.

Mr. jme and I have long known that at least one, if not two or three, of our future children would come to be ours through adoption. Adoption has been in my heart for a long time, and lately, I have felt even more drawn to the idea than ever. Specifically, my heart feels drawn to a transracial adoption. I have been lurking on the Adoption Board on the Bump, reading Adoption for Dummies, and speaking with a friend of mine, who is an adoption social worker. She has answered many of the questions and eliminated many of the fears I have had about adoption. Even if the IVF is a go, we will begin our home study at the beginning of the new year.



So, I feel a peace about however the dice falls. Even if I get to do IVF and it is a BFN, I am okay with that, because we will be expanding our family in the future, one way or another, hopefully both though.

So, I guess I am back, so to speak. But a jme my followers have known in the past is no more....I am back, with hope renewed, and I am looking forward to what the future holds.

Thank you all for your love and support.